[PG] Abecedarian ◁◁
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July 22nd, 2010 (10:00 PM).
It's "I Come Anon"
As much as I'd love to start reading a 28 chapter story, I think I'll review this one because it hasn't gotten any comments yet. Since you haven't gotten so far with it my input will have more potential value. Sorry to disappoint, but hey, I'm still giving you a review.
First off I want to say that I liked it, especially for the characters. You do a great job of portraying personality instead of just appearances. It makes your characters far more human than they would be if you only depicted them superficially. I could really feel Ham's enthusiasm, Rodney's quirkiness, and even the Croagunk's attitude. The exchange with the imitation was most relate-able and very well depicted. I also really enjoyed X's brief appearance. He was really easy and fun to visualize, which is a sign that you conveyed his character just right.
Another thing you mostly did well was setting the mood. The home felt like a home, and his family felt like a family. It doesn't sound like very high praise, but I mean it that way. I've read way too many fics where a trainer's home is nothing more than an obligatory storage building with a family that's just there to wish him goodbye. The void also had an appropriate mood about it: very mysterious and unsettling. One small complaint I have about that part though is this:
Overused song references aside,
as soon as Rodney’s skin came in contact with Tristan’s the ground seemed to dematerialize from under their feet and the two went plummeting into black.
I for one didn't notice that there was a song reference, but when you just point it out like that I feel like I'm being torn away from the story. If it weren't for that one clause, it would have been a most appropriately sublime passage. I recognize that you have some tongue-in-cheek humor throughout the story, but you shouldn't put it where it throws the narrative off the tracks in such critical spots. Don't get me wrong, I
the imagery of them falling as soon as Rodney walks in and touches Tristan, but the passage would have been that much better without the added snark in the narration.
There are also a few grammatical/typographical/other mistakes/problems/things of note I found:
regarded him with confusion. “…Pig?”
Typo. Should be Grumpig.
a blade of grass seemed to be cut in half in the place where the void
was to be
The way you word it here makes it sound like the void isn't there yet, but that it's planned to be there eventually. I think you might have meant "in the place where the void began,"
As they fell, though, they were intelligent enough not to scream like young women;
Whether or not you scream when confronted by a seemingly endless drop into a bunch of void doesn't have much to do with intelligence at all. Smart people can be easily startled, too. I'd find a better word to replace 'intelligent.' Also, when I first read it, it sounded like you were insinuating that young women scream like that because they're not intelligent enough. I highly doubt you meant to convey that, of course, but it was still a little jarring.
After a few minutes of this the two began to lose
, until finally they crash-landed on an admittedly soft patch of blackness that looked no different than the rest of the dark world.
Another case of word choice here. Traction pretty much means friction, so you don't stop falling when you lose traction. Actually, losing traction is often what makes you
There were a few other sentences here and there that I didn't quite understand the first time I read them, so I'd advise you to read over these chapters again. Now that it's been a while, you might spot some things that don't make sense to you anymore. This sort of thing happens to every writer without exception: You're writing along, and you think something makes sense because the idea is still fresh in your mind. That's why it's so important to leave a time gap between writing and editing (I'm quite guilty of not doing this very well, but hypocrites can still offer good advice).
All in all, I enjoyed it very much and I'm interested to see where things go from here, especially in regard to X and the other guy in black. To make up for reviewing the one that you didn't want reviewed as much, I'll start reading Wings tomorrow and give you some feedback on the earlier chapters, okay?
My chapter fics:
Kanto: The Disputed Frontier
- Indefinite hiatus //
Gary Stu's Unpredictable Adventure
- Complete //
- 15 chapters posted out of 17
There's Always Tomorrow
(SWC 2009) //
A Matter of Stubbornness
(SWC 2010) //
Left by the Roadside
(SWC 2011 1st place) //
Giovanni Destroys the World and Everything in It
By What Right?
(SWC 2013 1st place) //
Back in the Day
(SWC 2014 1st place) //
Dad's Old Gym
(SWC 2016 2nd place)
Family (kind of?):
Strange person who calls me strange names
If the pen is mightier than the sword, the keyboard is mightier than the ICBM.
Joined Feb 2008
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