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July 26th, 2010 (01:04 PM).
building steam with a grain of salt
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Bellingham, WA
First, I'll just point out some corrections:
As he was running, he noticed that up in the sky seemed to be clouds off a different color.
"Off" should be "of."
they always seemed to come bak, no matter how many he took.
"bak" should be "back."
As for the story itself, when I read the first line, I knew right away that the main character was in some sort of virtual-reality deal. When one talks about a world being too perfect, virtual reality is the first thing that springs into my mind. I'm not saying that this is negative or positive. All I'm pointing out is that I knew what it was about right off the bat, and I'm not sure whether or not you intended to tip off your readers so early.
The other detail that caught my attention was that the main character's death seems a bit sudden. All in one line, he stops breathing, collapses, and dies. This guy is the last human being on Earth, and he suddenly dies without any warning.
All that being said, I like the story. It's scary in a good way. The boy withdraws from the world so he is not exposed to death. In the process, however, he becomes a lonely old man, and ends up dying anyways. In this same sense, we could escape our own pain by locking ourselves up in our own houses. However, we would eventually grow old, get
lonely, and die like everyone else. It's more healthy to go out into the world and experience both pain, and happiness, than to cut ourselves off from the pain, only to suffer from isolation.
My fanfiction, One Latios.
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