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Old August 12th, 2010, 03:32 PM
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Rise
「Rise Director」
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Age: 23
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
Okay, gave it a once over.

First, it's a good idea so far, and it holds a lot more ground than what you had before. However what you need to do is check up on a few parts. It still has inconsistencies. You say they came to a land, which most would assume is this Fingoe you talk about. But then suddenly talk about two islands being hit. If this is also Fingoe you have to explain how it became two islands in the first place.

It's better to say two entwined beams hit one land, and thus they separate into the two islands.

Second, what people gave them their names if there where only 8 people who settled there? You have to create a time span between the original story and the people of now. So it's better to say "Over time the ancestors of those few called the deity's...etc etc"

There are a number of grammatical errors here and there as well, so it'd be best to fix what you can. Getting a game off to the public is all about presentation. If your posts show spelling errors, or inconsistency, it's safe the assume your game will as well. Or at least, that's how most people think.

If you'd like I can fix whatever problems there are and show you a draft so you can work on it from there. Just let me know. It's a good idea overall, it just needs to go a few extra steps before it can be more than just "good".
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