Thread: [Pokémon] Notice: Keep Out
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Old November 27th, 2010 (11:17 AM).
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Bay Alexison Bay Alexison is offline

Wait for it

Join Date: May 2006
Location: Dani California
Gender: Female
Nature: Sassy
Posts: 3,783

Bah, never got the chance to read the creepypasta entries, so I’m reading and reviewing the ones posted here.

Now, we assure you this is no joke but it most certainly is, as you say, haunted. We fear even saying that will only strengthen the urge for you to go ahead and figuratively press that ‘please kill me’ button by visiting the place, but we just feel you’d want to know beforehand. Prior warning and all.
*tries to find that button* D:

Believe us, Mr Crazy-Man got off easy.
Got off easily smelling like cheese.

He thought Sudowoodo were very common creatures or something stupid like that. Heck, it was rainin at the time.
Assuming this takes place in Sinnoh (the mention of the Old Chateau and all), Sudowoodo are actually common at a couple routes at Pearl and Platinum. With Diamond, you pretty much have to trade. Just saying~ Although, if it’s indeed raining, yeah you wouldn’t be able to find that Pokemon. XD

*goes off finishing the rest of this one shot*

Nor did the girl ghost appear beautiful to him when it turned around – there was something about the lack of face that suddenly put him off. He’d have screamed right then and there, but for the most part he was frozen in place. Not just out of fear, but due to the ghost Pokémon that suddenly sprung him from behind, took control of his body and examined his memories.

Imagine an unknown presence suddenly slip into your conscious, seize control of your movements and shift through your entire life methodically.
Jason didn’t enjoy that.

Haha, yeah wouldn’t want a ghost Pokemon to take control of my body either. *shivers*

I have to say, you did quite well putting the feminist narration in this piece. XD I really like the lightheartedness of it. There were a couple parts though I felt it rambled a bit and force out. For instance:

Well, maybe if you’re a girl (and we assure you, by ‘girl’ we do not mean ‘pansy’ or ‘sissy’ or the like, but a female human being) then you may be safe (usually), although visiting still is not recommendable. The stench tends to put off most anyway. No – if you are a male trainer, then this message goes out to you. And we don’t mind the decent ones (we believe there are some of you that exist...or hope), but the overly curious who are judged to be ‘impure’...don’t expect mercy from the judges. Trust us on this one, although you are free to try your luck. We’re just tired of watching one after one enter the doors time and time again never to leave, but we guess it says something about you males. Pah. But we’re sure certain beings could argue that the world improves with each one of you removed – you’d be surprised.
I think this part you could have made the joke across with less words, IMO.

I also think the ending you stressed a little too much how the female trainer is sweet and the man that killed her is a jerk, hence why all males are jerks. Then again, feminist writing then to keep repeating itself. :x

Overall, I enjoyed this piece and some parts were quite funny. Great work!


Writing Sprint #1 (June 20-26th)
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