The Crimson League
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November 28th, 2010 (5:55 PM).
~Have you ever seen the rain?~
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Guys, make sure your reviews (or rather, posts here) are constructive - one-liners saying 'I can't wait' or 'I need to catch up!' doesn't really say anything about the story and furthermore is against the fanfic rules. Mention say a couple of things you liked in particular and/or why you liked the story, for instance, but what's going on here atm doesn't cut it.
Anyways Impo, overall you have a neat story going here, certainly. The writing flows nicely. The progression is smooth and you write the events well - the battle scene also seems to have improved some as well. I rather liked the forest obstacle course event as well, which showed some neat ideas such as the sleep powder and whirlwind combination. =)
There some stuff to fix here and there, but here's what I found upon my quick read-through:
He had received his first pokemon at the age of ten, it was a Slakoth from his father.
Watch for continuing a sentence too much like so (a run-on sentence in other words) - no need for a comma after ten when starting a new sentence there would fit better with the current wording used (i.e. '...age of ten. It was a...'), or say rewording to '...at the age of ten - a Slakoth, from his father.' for as-is it reads awkwardly.
It turns out it is actually a knock-out tournament, and the boasts about prizes were not over exaggerated. The first prize winner would receive a chance to face-off in a battle against the Sinnoh Champion; Cynthia, and based on their skills, will receive a place as the Crimson League Elite and a cash prize of 10,000 dollars.
Watch for tense confusion - you have for instance is (present) and were (past) in the one sentence and more conflictions in that paragraph, for instance (would and will).
"Sure thing, sweety," his mother now adding the diced carrots into a simmering pot.
Another awkward-sounding sentence here, with the part following the dialogue sounding like it is missing a couple of words. (Say, 'sweety," his mother said, now adding/currently adding...').
"I can't forget those." Impo retrieved his belt and siphoned it through the straps on his
pants, placing six pokeballs in each of the holders.
There's still some instances were it seemed you hit enter in the wrong moment, like here (after 'on his'). It kinda disrupts and looks odd, so watch out for that.
All looked the same, with
odd trunk with yellow spots and two
an, and club-shaped.
Annoyed at the fact that he didn't realize something seemingly obvious, Impo cautiously waited to see what
the three Sudowoodo would do.
Another case of enter being hit in the middle of a sentence here (after 'see what').
Starmie's core began to glow dimmer as it was hit with the Energy Ball, it was thrown backwards but was not knocked out.
Another case of what seems to be you trying to merge two sentences together with a comma which doesn't really work (it sounds awkward when you read it aloud).
"I hope this doesn't count as my break..." She stared blankly as she thought about losing her 'hard-earned' break
"I'm Abby by the way, nice to meet you."
Comma after break should be a full stop there, as you would treat the dialogue at the end as its own sentence.
he two shook hands as a formal greeting, then they stationed themselves on opposite sides of the field.
And here the sentence following 'I'm Impo' doesn't flow on from it (it doesn't talk about how he said it or anything, but instead talks about them shaking hands), and so I would change the comma to a full stop and the to The there (I'm Impo." The two...).
Slaking had surprised
speed and power.
Still have to watch out for using it's/its - here in both cases the correct one to use would be its, as you're twice referring to Slaking's power and opponents. its' shouldn't be used, and it's mans it has/it is.
"You better not have got my uniform dirty!"
arned Abby, as she withdrew another fainted pokemon
"You did great, Ninetales."
As mentioned from that PM before, Warned should be warned as that sentence does flow on from the dialogue, but 'You did great...' is again a different sentence, and hence the comma before it should really be a full stop.
Gengar had a sinister grin on
face as the third round of the battle started.
its over it's here.
"No! Azumarill!" Abby wept as she recalled her last pokemon
And like other instances, full stop over the comma here.
"Thank you. I almost thought I was gonna lose, you were pretty good with your pokemon
" Impo said, trying to cheer Abby up, who blushed and smiled modestly.
As 'Impo said, ...' flows on from the dialogue and reads as one sentence with it, treat it as such and hence change the full stop there to a comma.
"Yeah, well, come back to my desk so I can register you
" Abby said, noticing the aftermath of their battle
osh, I hope no-one notices."
See above - and should be '...their battle. "Gosh, I hope...'.
"Only the blind people won't
" Impo joked.
Change to a comma.
This stranger had skinny features and glasses, almost like a
stereotypical nerd. Except he looked rather angry as he faced Abby as she returned to her desk.
I would change 'except' to 'However,' here - just seems to fit better.
"A problem? Yes, as a matter of fact there is
" The teenager replied in a surprisingly calm voice, as it looked like he was about to explode. "I have been waiting for the receptionist to finish her break for the past hour, doesn't
that seem like a extended break?"
full stop after 'there is' should be a comma, and another case of enter being hit in the middle of a sentence there too.
"Oh, that's just another trainer
urns out he only wanted to know when the trials started." Abby breathed out heavily, wondering why people got flustered over the most simplest things.
I would make a new sentence at 'another trainer' there as it sounds like Abby is saying a run-on sentence there. (The sentence after the dialogue can be treated as both a new sentence or the same with the dialogue actually though, heh).
"Okay. So here's your number, keep this safe as it's how we identify participants
" Abby said, handing a plastic card to Impo. Impo
at his card
he was number forty-two.
Full stop should be a comma, and the comma after 'card' does not really work as it just creates an awkward pause there - say a hyphen or a new sentence would work better. Also, glance should be glanced (tenses).
The food arrived shortly after Impo and Abby witnessed Slaking strip a bush bare of all
its over it's.
"Quick, we'll be late!"
e said, running into the garden of the restaurant
he over He.
were many hopeful trainers here, all sporting different pokemon. Impo recognized the guy from the Abby's desk with an Alakazam.
Enter in the middle of the sentence thing here again.
Therefore, in order to make sure the best are placed in the tournament we have organized a little...
... shall we say.
"Now, I expect you all know your numbers. When yours is called out please stand behind me with your
partner. All right
" he started to go down the list
"Number one, line up here with fourteen."
Change the comma at the end of the dialogue to a full stop, add in the full stop after 'the list', and note the spacing in the middle of the sentence.
number and what pokemon are you using?"
your over you.
"I'm twelve and Mijumaru is my pokemon!" As number twelve stated his pokemon, everyone who heard it scratched their heads. They were all trying to think of a pokemon who had that name.
It is," and with that he released his 'Mijumaru' from his pokeball. Everyone gasped as this unknown pokemon nervously straightened the shell on its' stomach nervously.
"You see, I'm from Isshu, and this was my first pokemon."
Note that it now has an english name (Oshawott) as does the region (Unova), so you might as well edit all instance of those Japanese names then. =p
The pokemon was light blue, dark blue and white.
appeared to be a water pokemon.
had a circular head with a big dark orange nose, and speckles on its' cheeks. Mijumaru had a pale blue torso with a pale yellow sea shell attached to it's center.
had no digits on it's hands, which appeared to be rounded.
feet had flipper-like toes with a dark blue colour. Mijumaru also had a
tail, also dark blue.
plank like should be plank-like, firstly... and its over its'. Also note that here (although the beginning of the description was quite good) the description is too listy, not helped by most of the sentences having a very similar length and starting with It/Its - it gives it a repetitive feel and makes it sound like an extended list of points about it rather than description within a story.
"Hello! My name is Juri
umber twelve officially introduced himself.
"And then set up some obstacles to slow every else down
" Juri finished his ideas, which Impo thought were actually pretty smart.
Should be a comma in both instances of bolded full stops, and 'number' there.
She giggled at
last words and pointed to the boy with an Alakazam.
Slaking began to pick
snout-like nose, much to the dismay of Abby's Gardevior. Abby's Gardevior tried to remove Slaking's fingers from
nostrils without much success, and Slaking yawned and Gardevior finally sighed and gave up
its over it's in both instances, and the sentence felt that it was continued a touch too much with the 'and it yawned and it gave a sigh and gave up' aspect going there - could be worded better, I feel.
"Mr. Mime, use
All in all it is good - just have to watch out for the (often) consistent mistakes, such as the use of commas/full stops (especially around dialogue), and tenses.
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