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Old February 7th, 2011, 06:14 PM
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bobandbill
Where's that sheep...
 
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Firstly, I will have to agree with Mizan (having only read the first 3 chapters thus far, mind) that this does not strike me as a parody in the strictest sense of the word - certainly I do quite like the game elements and characters and so forth used in the story but I wouldn't class it as a parody sort of story myself.

What this is though is a very enjoyable story at any rate. ;p The characterisation is great for starters - I certainly emphasis with Kester's dilemmas here, along with his unloving mother (who certainly amuses me thus far). Puck is a great name for the Rotom as well and he's very entertain and possibly my favourite character thus far as well, what with his constant references and manner of speech - I cannot help and feel at this stage that he is hiding more than he is giving on though, so whether I'm right on that guess or not will be interesting to see - along with how they two continue to work with (or not) with each other as the story goes. Certainly an inventive way to have a Human with Pokemon powers, as a beside.

I do feel that the changing of POVs is not jarring to me - my opinion but I thought the pacing and the flow of the story is fine thus far. The first scene was very exciting and intriguing - it certainly held my interest, and the rest that I've read seemed pretty solid as well. I like the portrayal of Magma (and Aqua although I have not seen them actually in person in the story yet) as well, and I look forward to reading to more sooner or later. =)

Some quotes before I go:
Quote:
The hunt continued, over the tops of a row of cars, the fugitive flitting silently and the pursuer pounding craters in the steel roofs with each bounding step.
I do not feel the comma after 'continued' is really necessary - it sounds all right without it to me.
Quote:
As the chase draws closer, we can see the building more clearly: a huge block of concrete, studded with windows both illuminated and dark.
This little bit did feel a touch jarring to me, this comment - it seemed too much to address the reader as the narrator in the middle of the scene.
Quote:
Voices shouted as the lights died, and the clatter of feet on stairs sounded throughout the building, but neither hunter nor hunted were listening: the chase was all their world, and there was no room for anything else.
Might sound a bit better as '...chase was their whole world', but either way works - just a suggestion.
Quote:
The P-L.O.T. Device
XD This also reminds me of a similar PLOT device in the show Sheep and the Big City. XD

Quote:
“What do they want? And what’s Sherlock?” I cried as I started moving again.

You’re disgustingly poorly-read, snapped Puck.
I did think that not knowing who Sherlock is was a bit too poorly-read for my liking - although there probably are people out in the world who do not know of him it struck me as a bit too unlikely, personally.
Quote:
So glad to be of service, he replied, in tones that left me certain he meant the exact opposite. Is this what it takes to cheer you up?
'in tones that left me certain he meant the exact opposite' was accidently italicised there.
Quote:
It’ll be like Home Alone, only without any funny bits and lots of death. Er... What I mean is, we’ll be just fine.
XD This amused me a fair bit.
Quote:
“I’ll get fired?” asked my mother, outraged. It seemed to have been the only part of the conversation she’d picked up on.
Quote:
“Look, are you going or not?” asked the President, suddenly very businesslike. “I’ve got a pen to balance on my desk, you know.”
And so did these lines as well in particular, although truth be told I could quote a lot more as well. =p