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February 9th, 2011 (2:28 PM).
Your aquatic overlord
To theowlmanlives, well, yes, you're new. That's why I commented on one of your reviewers to give her tips on how to give you advice – because you probably don't want advice that falls just short of helping you improve. In short, I was telling her that it's okay to correct your grammar, but in doing so, she's going to have to make sure what she's telling you to do doesn't end up creating another grammatical error because that wouldn't exactly be helpful for you. Additionally, it would help to point out
certain points need to be corrected so that writers and poets would be able to grasp what the problem actually is in order to avoid it in the future.
With that being said, let me comment on your poetry. It's not bad for a beginner's work. However, your most recent poems seem like they focus more on the rhyme scheme instead of meaning or creating an image. For example, let's look at your latest poem.
To start things off, you did a decent job at making every line rhyme. However, each line doesn't have the same number of syllables in it. Remember, poems rhyme to create a sort of musical tone to the ear. What that means is if you read a rhymed poem out loud, it should sound pleasant. This is achieved by not only making sure that every line rhymes but also by making an effort to get each line to have the same number of syllables. This creates meter, a beat or rhythm to your poetry. Think of it like the drums or base melody to a song. Most songs have that rhythm that makes sure that every note is on time, but think of what would happen if the music from all the other instruments didn't match the drums. Hard to listen to, right? Same deal with poetry.
Also, rhythm signals when a rhyme would come in. For example, your first line is only four beats long, but your second one is eight. (Your other lines are ten each.) As a result, your first line seems incredibly short in comparison if a reader went back over it – if your second line doesn't just come off as overly long because the reader expects the rhyme to occur four beats ahead of where it does, if that makes sense. In other words, it just makes the rhythm seem a little off.
Beyond that, the rhyme itself. While it was cute and worked for the most part, it felt forced at the end with the last line. The reason why is because that line seems a little too vague. What feature? Emolga? Is this a line that says Black and White are cool games in general? Why is this line talking about the games when the rest of the poem is talking about a single Pokémon? It just doesn't seem to fit quite as well as the other lines, basically.
You also do the same kind of thing with the Deoxys poem and its second line. You're trying to rhyme "space" with something, and in an effort to figure out what you should do, you end up talking about a weird look on Deoxys's face. Except Deoxys is expressionless, and you're talking about its forms otherwise. (You also don't really go into why its speed form is your favorite, but I'll get into general meaning in a moment.)
In short, one of the mistakes a lot of new poets tend to make is that they force their poetry to rhyme. Don't sacrifice meaning for a rhyme scheme because if you do that, your poem will just fall short of making sense. As abstract as poetry is sometimes, it always focuses on meaning over presentation. Presentation just makes it more appealing and artistic.
Speaking of which, let's talk about general meaning, too. We've talked about how the Emolga poem seemed to start talking about Black and White out of the blue (no pun intended) and how the Deoxys poem falls short of really being an ode to Deoxys. Don't let this part intimidate you. What I'm basically saying is that in order to succeed at poetry, you'll want to remember that poetry is not just about rhyming or about saying something in a bunch of lines. It's also about connecting your ideas with your readers. What I mean is if you say something, go all the way with it. If you want to talk about Deoxys, show us what about it appeals to you. Describe to us its forms and what it does. Use imagery to make us see what Deoxys looks like.
Beyond that, play with our emotions a little. Instead of just talking about Deoxys being appealing to you, tell us about how you feel when you see one. Are you excited as it zooms around a battlefield? Describe to us your heart pounding. With Emolga, what about it fascinates you? There's got to be something more to Emolga than just the fact that you learned its name. Connect the reader to what you're talking about by making them feel something about the subject of your poetry, basically.
In short, it's not that bad for a start, but it feels like you could push beyond basic conventions. Don't be afraid to play around more with other styles of poetry, and try putting your heart into what you write, if that even makes sense to you.
Might come back to review TJgamer's poem later.
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