Professor Layton VS Ace Attorney: The Twin Siren
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February 11th, 2011 (5:39 PM).
I'M AN ANGRY SCIENTIST!!
Central Coast - Australia
I certainly could imagine this prologue as a mini-film in Ace Attorney games in a similar style to their 'prologues' to cases, heh. I liked the atmosphere here - it certainly fitted the content after all and was it was an interesting scene as well - the accident was just waiting to happen and maybe a bit predictable but I do think that'd be unfair for me to claim that seeing I read about it in the Plot Bunny thread so I already knew about that. =p It's a decent beginning and it does set up the plot without giving too much away on what the mystery will be entirely be about, imo.
There were some mistakes here and there...
There was a clinking sound as
both twins were bolted into a metal chair.
That 'a' isn't needed there.
Renae continued to struggle and whimper as Shanae remained
that she was treated like a lab rat. The twins father, David, was a scientist.
There was a enter gap there in the middle of the sentence, as well for instance here:
Renae began to twitch nervously during the process, while Shanae was still
, it was hard to even hear her breathe.
I'd put that down to you using Notepad and copy + pasting from it as that sort of error can occur from it, so just watch out for that as it ruins the presentation a little (there were other instances too). On the latter, there comma doesn't work there before 'it was hard' - I suggest a hyphen for instance, or beginning a new sentence there instead (i.e. '...eerily quiet. It was still...'). On another note, notice how I bolded both 'eerily quiet's there - it's a touch repetitive to use the same phrase multiple times, so try to mix it up some more.
But he was not so interested in personal appearance, as he tells his twins;
"With my research, I am close to revealing a way where twins...(etc)
I feel this bit would be better worded if the dialogue and part before it were separate sentences - e.g. '...as he told his twins. "With my research...'.
"You mean like psychics talk with the dead people?" Renae questioned, her curiosity keeping her quiet.
[/QUOTEI feel a 'how' could be placed before 'psychics' there, and the latter part doesn't sound right as you say it's keeping her quiet (I assume you're implying keeping her quiet from making other sounds) but her asking that question contradicts that.
screens detailing each twins brain waves and synergy in each twins mind, and a dashboard with
lights and switches.
also a big red lever to activate the machine, and a light,
was currently off.
'There were/was' to start two consecutive sentences is a touch repetitive there, and the same with 'many'. Also, 'which' over 'with'.
Renae stared at her surroundings, she was rather traumatic about the experience. The room was dull and dark, the only light was emitted from a small globe in the centre of the ceiling.
These two sentences were run-on sentences - the first talks about her looking around, and then being scared, while the
second talks about it being dark and then about the only light in the room, which are somewhat different topics to each other. I'd suggest separating each idea into separate sentences or (which'd avoid making the sentence length the same as each other) changing how you link those ideas. You use commas here but they do not work in these instances by themselves - for instance you could do this:
Renae stared at her surroundings. She was rather traumatic (traumatised?) about the experience. The room was dull and dark - the only light was emitted from a small globe in the centre of the ceiling.
On another note, you could try to show us more some details instead of telling us - for instance, with hr being traumatic, how was she show? You could rather mention some symptoms of that (her thoughts, heavy breathing, maybe even cold sweat...) which would then tell us she is traumatised without actually being told directly - and it tends to make for more interesting reading as well.
"Ready, Girls?" Cautioned David, as his calm nature deteriorated.
girls and cautioned should not be capitalised there - girls is not a pronoun and as the part following the dialogue should be treated as the same sentence with it, there's no need to have a capital in the middle of the sentence.
Renae left the room and ran, leaving her father and twin sister for dead.
Shanae, amidst of her choking, twisted her head to see her sister leave her for dead
Another case in which you repeated a phrase, this time 'leave/leaving...for dead'. Try replacing one, such as with 'abandoned them' or so forth.
Overall it is a decent start - it could just use some more edits and proofreading so the story flows on a bit better and all. Good luck with the rest of your story!
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