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February 14th, 2011, 03:29 PM
I rival Lance's.
Join Date: May 2010
I haven't followed this fic much, but I'll make a few comments on Chapter 1 first, before I do anything else. I saw this one pretty much right away:
A frosslass had been preying upon two dragons, with her partner, a Glalie.
You capitalize "Glalie" but not "froslass". If you leave "pokemon" in lowercase too, I'm assuming "glalie" was supposed to be in lowercase. Either that, or you left Glalie in lowercase by accident, because you do put it in caps later.
The story itself seems pretty intriguing - this boy named Andrew is going to try and take care of Latios and Latias.
Now I move on to Chapter 2. I'm sure that antifreeze doesn't actually do that to organic beings...although I could accept it as some sort of skin-absorbed medicine that acts as an antifreeze for those people.
And so forth, to Chapter 3. Oh no, now we're getting to the areas that weren't rewritten. I have a feeling that the grammar is going to be a lot worse here... *peeks* uh oh. It is. I imagine that you're already editing the story, so I apologize if any of it seems repetitive.
Well, first of all, you're not capitalizing the Pokémon names, even
they are indisputably proper nouns.
Also, Andrew is a Rayquaza? Seems a little weird... was he just a Rayquaza in a human form in his Andrew form, or was he a human that somehow got turned into a Rayquaza? Because he seems to be quite the wanted target either way.
These chapters of yours are too short - not word wise, but in terms of plot, a lot of them could be linked together and still be considered a single chapter.
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