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Old February 19th, 2011 (04:57 AM).
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bobandbill bobandbill is offline
I'M AN ANGRY SCIENTIST!!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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TBH your fast updates seems rather unusual to me - maybe I'm just used to being slow myself and seeing the same from most others too but...man you're going quickly. ._. Is this already written up in advance, or...?

At any rate, up to number 13 now. ~ It continues to be rather entertaining all in all. Steven was pretty cool and I rather like your version of him (although it's hard not to like someone after they punch out a villain, heh). Nice cameo, and I wonder if he'll show up again as well. I am also curious as to what Darren's other Pokemon are as well... I guess we shall see sooner or later (they way he mentioned his others I feel his last battle would involve the last Pokemon he has, no?).

The reveal on Kester not being the only one with a Pokemon stuck in them was nicely done - I did slightly suspect such a thing given her questions in an earlier scene but it was only a faint suspicion and it certainly was surprising given the manner it was revealed, and it certainly explained why she listened to music so much as well neatly. That scene was one of my favourites thus far as well - quite entertaining throughout and full of action as well, and suspense given someone was shot during it as well. (I also laughed when one of the grunts covered up his fear after realising his friend was ok. XD)

I do agree that after reading Mizan's review in full now (because I figured they had SPOILERS) that what you have now with Sapphire is better than before as what was quoted did seem... too drastic and extreme for her. There still seems to be one instance where that was evident in the chapter though, that issue, which was Sapphire pushing Kester down the stairs like that. Even giving the whole 'fire and being chased by angry swarms of sableye which are pretty darn freaky Pokemon in their own right' situation, and her realising later she could have used the Master Ball on him... I didn't really buy it, as I felt she had already gotten very used to the idea of recalling him back and it seemed like a very mean and thoughtless thing to do, given it could have easily killed him, and questionably so. That's the only eak point in her character I see currently, but it stood out significantly to me even before reading Mizan's review.


Anyways onto quotes.
Quote:
The hoarse bellowing sounds and the pounding footsteps were close behind her now, but still Sapphire didn’t turn; she was locked in the rapid roar of her heart in her ears, in the shadow on the rock wall and the little shiver that was running down her
forearms. For a second, the pattern of abject fear gripped her as tightly as a vice – and then suddenly she noticed that here was a sharp turn in the path, and it snaked off between the thick trees and the wall to the right. There was no dead end after all.
Oddly created enter in the middle of that paragraph there - it happens but you might want to fix that for presentation's sake. (Also although it is late and I only just see it... should it be 'The hoarse, bellowing sounds...?')

Quote:
She took a deep breath, which was difficult in the roaring, sandy air, and forced one foot to the floor, trying to get some grip. Her shoe struck a pebble embedded in the sand, and she wedged her leg firmly against it before stepping forwards with the other foot. At the same time, she pulled hard on the rock she was holding, dragging herself forwards against the air currents.
Quote:
As soon as her leading foot slipped Sapphire knew it was hopeless. There was nothing she could do; the Exploud’s breath was too strong. In a curiously disconnected manner, she wondered if Darren would kill her. It didn’t seem that big a deal, just a minor spot of unpleasantness in a business transaction; somewhere in the back of her head, a tiny voice screamed at her that she was in shock, but she couldn’t or wouldn’t hear it, and, closing her eyes, let go of the rock.
Another spacing issue here. There was also a number of issues like that at the beginning of Darren's POV and battle scene too in chapter 11 btw.
Quote:
I hesitated – partly due to a rational fear of Angel Laboratories, and partly due to an irrational fear of revolving doors (born from the business that happened last year) – and then followed.
I am rather curious about this irrational fear of revolving doors now, I must confess. XD

Quote:
“Mind you,” said the man, “that is a masterly disguise. The Combusken’s a nice touch – really gives that air of hopeless newbie Trainer.
Quote:
That was a nice line given the context. XD

On the note of that scene with them being taken to their luxury room, Toro seemed to be forgotten halfway through to the point that I was surprised when Toro was again mentioned when they were inside - maybe I missed a mention or two of the Combusken during that part but if there isn't there adding that in might be something to consider.
Quote:
“We will, though." Sapphire sounded so certain that I was almost convinced "Look, Kester, this is a very valuable building. Correct?"
Full stop seems to be missing there after 'convinced'.

I'll probably read more at a later date!
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