Pokemon: The Magic of a Melody (rated E10+)
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February 25th, 2011, 01:18 PM
Do the Wess dance!
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Whelp I finally got around to beginning to read this story - like icomeanon6 I've read the first 3 chapters and I do agree basically with what he's said. =) The characters in Ash and Brock seem nice (although my knowledge on the anime is more limited I feel), the concept and structure of the world appeals to me a lot as well (hurrah for music indeed, as well as the whole 'play a tune for a Pokemon' deal), and the small tales here and there both from Brock and Lugia (which I found as a neat choice of legendary btw, heh) were also entertaining to read, just like in the prequels. The world feels well established to me overall and some of the description was rather enjoyable as well.
The music links... some were neat and did help with the scene, but it was also on the flip side a bit annoying to go and load the video and go back to the story and so forth and so forth, and reading [BGM: Some tune] did interrupt at times, personally. That's more a personal opinion on it though I suppose, but I tend to prefer reading without additional music unless a specific scene calls for it as opposed to every scene. *shrugs*
And now for some stuff I found!
some of the many minstrels across the land sang so passionately about fantastic Pokemon, great battles, and larger than life heroes
I feel it is better as 'larger-than-life'.
He brushed the white porcelain dust from his blue and gray tunic into a tiny heap in the grass, then examined the vaguely bird shaped lump for just the right spot to put the air hole as the breeze carried away the dust through one of the many stone arches that made up the hallway, then slipped on the gloves that were the same blue as his tunic and boots and picked up a
the air hole in one of the wing-like sections of the lump, using his own saefleita, which hung proudly around his neck, as a reference. Once that was done, he would
six fingerholes, three on each side of the "bird"'s stomach, and polish it before it went in the bag of other saefleitas he carried--then it would be given to an apprentice, where he or she would use it to summon a familiar.
I felt the first sentence was too long and could have been separated into shorter sentences personally, and a bit nitpicky but 'drill/drilling' felt to be repeated a touch too often there in those two sentences - maybe consider changing one of them?
"I'm almost finished with the last one, Milina." Ash replied before retrieving the drill.
One consistent error you made was with punctuation with dialogue. If the part following the dialogue is about who said what and/or how it was said, etc, and flows on from the dialogue, then you can treat both parts as one sentence - that means a comma should go in place of the full stop (because otherwise you're using a full stop in the middle of a sentence). Essentially you ignore the quotation marks with it and see if the part after the dialogue sounds right as a sentence by itself - if not then the dialogue and part following it should be one sentence and hence no full stop (but note it doesn't apply to exclamation marks or other forms of punctuation). So for instance:
"I could give the extras to those that need them
" Ash offered as he fished out the ten extra saefleitas that rattled in the bag before setting it on his belt nearby his sword.
The full stop after 'them' should also be a comma. At last you were consistent with that error, but that does mean more fixing to do. =p
"Just as all hope seemed lost, a minstrel whose name is only known to Lady Anima finally managed to assemble all eight beads in a necklace, and unleashed the spell Rainbow Symphony atop Voima Hill, the one place in the north lands that is not affected by its harsh cold. Lugia replied.
Besides the full stop comma thing you're missing a quotation mark there at the end.
It tried again and again to get to the frightened mage wielding the beautiful blade with angel wings inlaid with rubies forming the guard, but was blacked every time by the sword.
Blocked over blacked, and this sentences seemed a bit wordy - the description felt out of place given there was a fight going on at the time. Perhaps describing the sword at a different time would be better.
"But before we begin any service at all, let's have your wounds heal first."
'first' feels a touch redundant to me as 'before we begin' already implies he'll do it first - but it's less important given it is dialogue where people can say such things I suppose. Still, something to consider?
A few days later...
I'd suggest against doing that as it tends to break the fourth wall and interrupt the story flow as such - try including the timeskip within the storytelling itself.
Brock waited for the applause to die down before continuing as himself "Sorin began to laugh, and Ursaring was angry that someone had the nerve to laugh at him."
Full stop seems to be missing after 'himself'
...and books to turn to a certain page." Ash explained. As for having actual personalities,
And a quotation mark is missing before 'As' there.
Overall I've enjoyed it thus far, certainly. =) Just watch out for those small errors in the beginning if you go back to edit.
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