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April 27th, 2011 (11:41 PM).
Join Date: Nov 2010
Firstly, what is the rating of this fanfic? And.. really. Big font. xD
At first Blissey frowned and thought that he was faking it, so she placed her hand on his forehead and waited. Blissey could tell that he wasn’t faking it and frowned, arms crossed.
Thought.. and then could tell? Huh? It may be just me, but I don't get it. /stupid
Lucifer expected a proper answer, but to his
she laughed a little.
First off all, Lucifer had amnesia, and she didn’t know if he was faking it or not.
The Blissey said to Lucifer that he had amnesia.. am I not correct? And given the obvious responses to Xandra... then it was kind of obvious that he was not faking.
Xandra walked towards the soda vending machine at the end of the silent corridor and bought a
, then drank it down in two large gulps.
Proper Nouns are to be capitalized. Sprite, is a type of soda, therefore it should be capitalized since it is a Proper Noun.
“Lucifer...am I right?” Chansey glanced at him as she typed rapidly on her keyboard as she analysed the results. Lucifer nodded anxiously as he thought she found something, but he banged his head against the table as she shook her head.
*press 'enter' here*
“This is all I have.” Chansey blinked and watched as a piece of paper was printed out, then handed the results to Lucifer. When Lucifer read it he had the sudden urge to blast the Chansey into smithereens.
Stated above. Conversations are much better to read that way. :3
Lucifer tried scratching the ‘10,000 G’ because he
someone had added a zero to the back, but no, it really was 10,000 G.
You must have mean 'thought'. 'though' is kind of like the synonym of 'however', and well.. if you meant 'though', the sentence doesn't fit the word. :3
With a new objective in his mind, he walked into a Colosseum that looked like the Roman Colosseum
How could Lucifer know the Roman Colosseum? Has he traveled there before? Did he see it in a picture? This doesn't make sense to me.
Xandra stretched her arms and fell asleep on the hospital bench, when she did
asleep, she didn’t notice a figure - a Zangoose looking at her through the window.
When she did
It was rocky,
but it wasn’t wet and muddy at all
. Lucifer stood there a little nervously
and waited for his first opponent.
It was rocky, but it wasn't wet and muddy. It shouldn't be wet and muddy because the weather was sunny, unless there had been a Water Type Pokemon fight.
Lucifer stood there a little nervously and waited - remove the comma. OR: Lucifer stood there, a little nervously and waited for his first opponent.
famous and strong.
Had should be have.
If I'm wrong, ignore this. But, it should be "strong and famous".
but fortunately he was able to block his attack with
So Lucifer had blocked the Weavile's attack with the author's arm... You know what I'm trying to say here.
He also didn't notice there should be a space between "he" and "didn't".
But the Buizel
rather shocked Lucifer.
I'm going to guess that between "did" and "that".. there was supposed to be the word "something".
Yes.. I'm called a Gram Check by my friend Mika.. so... /ashamed to be a Gram Check.
Lucifer is very... interesting, I guess. I'm not into Pokemon stories that much, and I don't check the RP corner that often. I may have pointed obvious mistakes.. so.. yeah. I'm still not good at this. Sorry if I made some bad remarks there, but well.. I have nothing to say. xD
Interesting story, by the way.
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