Thread: [Pokémon] Memory Retrieval
View Single Post
  #4    
Old May 1st, 2011, 10:56 PM
Diamond1304's Avatar
Diamond1304
Gym Leader
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Not here, at least.
Age: 17
Nature: Adamant
Feedback:

Well, jira-chan already mentioned most of the errors here and there, but I've a few more to point out.

First, I shall start out on the aesthetics and layout. Overall, your font is suitable except for the size as jira said. For the description of Lucifer in the beginning, you should put in in italics instead of underlining it as it's kinda distracting and not pleasant to the eye isn't it? Moving on now, I advice you to place headings in the center, it's easier to differentiate from actual text, plus it looks cool.
Example:
PROLOGUE
CHAPTER ONE


Now let's look into a few errors. They're mostly punctuation. You don't have to follow all I say as some might be kinda higher-order in terms of writing. I'm not a professional writer but I learn how to use punctuation to your advantage very well. You may or may not have learned them in school, I didn't, I read them up. Anyway, here goes!

Spoiler:
Quote:
He scratched his head, and then touched his four black appendages located behind his ears.
I believe there should be an 'and' there.

Quote:
She thought that this was some kind of a joke and growled, her hands high up in the air.
Maybe 'growled, waving/swinging her hands high up in the air? I don't know.

Quote:
Why couldn’t he remember something more important...like his first name, his family and what he had been doing before he was sent to the hospital?
Punctuation. Why? What? How?

Quote:
He was as helpless as an orphan boy; he didn’t know what to do for once.
Semi-colon is rarely used so I wouldn't blame you for this. I don't know how to use it sometimes too.

Quote:
But somehow he couldn’t go back like that; he had to go somewhere else.
Same above.

Quote:
The whole Colosseum was full, and there weren’t any seats left.
Grammar alert! XD


Nothing else to add. I don't really say that I did a good job but well, I tried! And sorry if I sounded harsh at some parts, it's just my nature. Maybe I should sugar-coat it next time. And also thanks(you know). :D
__________________



Last edited by Diamond1304; May 1st, 2011 at 11:09 PM.
Reply With Quote