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May 23rd, 2011 (10:59 PM).
See You Space Cowboy
Join Date: Mar 2011
Sorry it took so long for me to finally check this out.
I'm not the best critique, but I'll give it a go. I like this story, although I get the feeling some of the paragraphs should be changed, or fixed. Some of them don't make sense, or feel out of place when I read it.
After suffering from his screams and wails, the ship being quiet, actually didn’t sound like a bad idea. Lucifer was once again having a nice sun bathe on the ship deck, and since the black clouds were gone again, the rain wasn’t going to come back again in the next few hours. With Wade’s constant wailing inside the kitchen, which was unfortunately next to Lucifer, the black Lucario couldn’t even sleep.
Besides having some grammar errors, it feels little weird reading this paragraph. The firs sentence doesn't make much sense to me when I read it, not sure what you're trying to say. Although it could just be a misplaced comma. The rest of it seems ok.
Also, I felt the whole "I have amnesia scene" a bit awkward, almost like this person expects to find someone with amnesia every day. It felt like she accepted the whole thing too fast, perhaps making her character a bit
simplistic. I feel there should be a bit more confusion with her, or at least uncertainty. Well, that's me personally.
As for everything else, it seems OK. In terms of story, this is pretty good. I like the characters as well. Wade's pretty entertaining. He had me smiling.
Besides a few minor mistakes and such, this was good. You are a talented writer and I hope you continue to write.
A Legend once told me that roleplaying is about bringing people together and celebrating creative vision.
Paired with the Epic
Joined Mar 2011
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