Thread: [Pokémon] Memory Retrieval
View Single Post
  #15    
Old May 24th, 2011 (11:06 PM).
Diamond1304's Avatar
Diamond1304
Gym Leader
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Not here, at least.
Age: 17
Nature: Adamant
Yippee!~ Glad to see anther wonderfully-written chapter, though I'll just be here to take the goodness of things and just mention some stuff that I think require attention to you and possibly, correction..? XD

Quote:
The ship was still parking against the pier, so Lucifer had some time.
What makes a ship and a car different? Guess! xD
Ships dock whereas cars park!

Quote:
His heart beating abnormally fast,
I think you could put in some explanation why his heartbeat was rapid. For some people, faster heartbeats are actually normal, especially if they're diagnosed with a weak heart or disorder. :3

Quote:
When the Gardevoir asked about Xandra, Lucifer’s eyes looked up and stared at her.
This is the purr-fect place to add a comma!~
And Lucifer's what? Fingers? Nose? Armpits? XD

Quote:
If a Gardevoir that knew about Xandra’s this surprised, then it was normal for Lucifer to feel depressed.
Same as the aforementioned. Xandra's what? Her death? Insanity? Amnesia too?

Quote:
“Stay in a hotel, but stay away from here, just don’t come near, and you don’t have to worry about me.”.....“We’re staying in a motel for the night.”
Hotel or motel? Make up your mind, Lucifer! XD
Or were you disobeying Xandra's mom? Tsk tsk~ xP

All in all, I think this chapter was great so far. I had fun reading it and it only adds more excitement and anticipation in my veins to see the forthcoming chapters of this story! The kitchen scene was a funny bone. I liked how you brought out a foreshadow of the plot that has yet to come, how Gardevoir was afraid of something Lucifer didn't know and such.

Keep up the good work, I know you have something fabulous in there. You just need the time and effort to leash it out.
__________________


Reply With Quote