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Old June 15th, 2011 (12:53 PM).
Kiyoshi the Polar Bear's Avatar
Kiyoshi the Polar Bear Kiyoshi the Polar Bear is offline
Figuratively Speaking
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: That One Place
Gender: Male
Nature: Quirky
Posts: 723
Quote originally posted by King!:
@Kiyoshi - The personality is a bit different from how it usually is. I don't have much of a problem with it, but some people in future RP's you sign up for might, so watch out for that. The history is only one paragraph, but it's a good-sized paragraph, and I can see a spot where you can split it, so you're also fine. There were some minor grammatical errors, but they weren't too distracting. As for the RP Sample:

This:
Spoiler:
Yooza’s stomach yelled with anger. He gripped his belly and felt the pain rolling in his sides. Sandra rolled her eyes in contempt.
“Dear God, I need something to eat. I didn’t even realize I was even this hungry.” He said.
“Maybe you should have thought about that before.” Sandra hissed.
“How was I going to know I’d be this starving? I felt fine five minutes ago.”
He droned out what Sandra said to him in reply, because he couldn’t care any less. But in that time, he did remember that the tress outside grew Oran berries! He walked away without another word to the she-beast and went out the transparent door.


Should become this:

Spoiler:
Yooza's stomach yelled with anger. He gripped his belly and felt the pain rolling in his sides. Sandra rolled her eyes in contempt. "Dear God, I need something to eat. I didn't even realize I was this hungry
Spoiler:
," Yooza said. (make sure to put a comma instead of a period, and then put either 'Yooza said.' or 'he said.', etc. on the outside. For example: "I don't think I can do this," he said.")

Spoiler:



"Maybe you should have thought about that before?" Sandra hissed. (question marks, exclamation marks, etc don't get turned into commas. Also, make sure to skip a line when someone new is talking, so it is easier to read. Like now

"How was I going to know I'd be this starving? I felt fine five minutes ago." He droned out what Sandra said to him in reply.


Other then that, you're doing fine! Battles in the future should of course be longer, but I asked for only a couple of paragraphs so it's okay. I like your style and humor, and I'm looking forward to seeing your character! Hopefully you'll have a good time!


I'll keep that all in mind!
Thanks.

The personality was just a bit of a rough overview, there's definitely a lot of personality of Valentine I didn't go into in depth (or at all, because characters grow and react in certain ways in certain situations, etc.) But in any case, thanks for accepting as is.

Grammatical errors? Hm.
Microsoft Word is lying to me. I'll make sure I proofread more often.

Quote originally posted by Xlugon Pyro:
Hey, at least it won’t be a sausage fest. >.>


That can be good or bad depending on your preferences.

....Sweet or Hot Italian! What were you thinking about?
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