Thread: [Pokémon] Pokémon - Legends of Kanto
View Single Post
  #23    
Old July 29th, 2011 (04:10 AM).
Eliminator Jr.'s Avatar
Eliminator Jr. Eliminator Jr. is offline
Gym Leader
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
Posts: 1,031
So far I've only read the prologue, but it's an entertaining story despite resembling the anime/manga/games so closely. I'm interested to read more, especially to see how this deviates from the stock-standard Kanto plot.

Quote originally posted by Lashh:
A smooth breeze blew through the town so warmly bathed by the slowly sinking summer sun.
The sentence doesn't sound right for one reason or another. Like I can read it and understand what you're trying to portray, but if you look at the way you've structured it it seems strange. It's the equivalent of writing a sentence like this: "the ball bounced off the table so quick-moving as it had been thrown moments earlier". Does the sentence I just wrote seem a little weird-sounding to you? If it doesn't nevermind about this whole thing, but if it does then you see where I'm coming from.

Also, you mentioned the word town in the sentence beforehand. There's nothing wrong with this but your writing usually flows better when you use different words, or omit some of them altogether. In this case, it's implied that the breeze is blowing through the town because you set the location of the paragraph in the previous sentence (the location being Pallet Town), therefore you don't have to include where the breeze is blowing.

Maybe try and restructure this sentence so it reads like: "A gentle breeze blew, bathing the townspeople in the warmth of the slowly sinking summer sun."

Something else which I'm not going to touch on much because by no means am I an expert when it comes to writing: try showing and not telling. At the moment you're doing both. Telling is saying "it is a peaceful day in Pallet Town", whereas showing would be describing aspects of the day which make it peaceful (for example, children are playing, gentle breeze on a summer evening, all that sort of stuff). Telling isn't always bad, but sometimes it can take away from the enjoyment of the story, as readers generally find themselves more immersed in something when they're showed. This is completely irrelevant but just came to my head now: think of it this way - you know the evening news how they have reporters on location to tell a news story and it makes it more interesting than a reporter just sitting a room reading out the script with no background? That's sort of what showing vs. telling is.

Quote originally posted by Lashh:
The mood was high for the citizens of this peaceful town, as the students attending the Pallet Pokemon School have graduated after a year and a half’s worth of hard work and learning the basics of the creatures known as Pokemon. Now that they have surpassed the basic level of Pokemon education, graduates now have the requirement to begin their own journey through the beautiful land of Kanto, where legends are born.
You've described Pallet Town as a peaceful town twice (and in the first part of the first chapter again). You could always call it a serene place or a tranquil town instead, or even leave out the town and the adjective before it and just say "... for the citizens of Pallet".

Mood isn't something that can be measured, you can be happy or sad or angry but you can't have a high or low mood (as far as I'm aware, anyway). You could write "the level of happiness was high" but it wouldn't really sound that great. Maybe write something along the lines of "the citizens of Pallet could barely contain their excitement", something that makes sense but also sounds natural.

"skills needed" would work better than "requirement" in the above paragraph too, unless you changed the sentence so it reads "graduates have now met the requirements".

Quote originally posted by Lashh:
Only three students graduate from the class at a time, the top three pupils. These three individuals passed the tests issued by the town’s Pokemon expert, Professor Oak. With each group of three graduates, the Professor gives one Pokemon to each individual, granting them each a proper head start for their upcoming journey.
Wait, so only three students graduate? What happens to all the other students who don't make it through? Do they have to wait another year and a half? And as its a requirement to graduate from a Pokémon school (according to the paragraph I quoted second) are there some people in the school who are twenty-five or so years old who still haven't graduated? I know none of these questions I've asked seem likely, but you need to explain this in your story. Maybe say "three students graduate every month" or something like that.

Also, I'm sorry but Pallet a town of idiots if Barclay got average scores on Oak's tests and Red's scores were even lower and they both managed to place in the top three of students.

Quote originally posted by Lashh:
Professor Oak smiled and paused for a moment as one of the boys, Red, held his hand up with a question that was likely running through all three boys minds.
This should read boys'. When you're talking about something that belongs to someone (for example - "that is Andrew's football") you put an apostrophe between the last letter of the word and the s. Because the word boys finishes with and s, you put the apostrophe after the s.

Quote originally posted by Lashh:
“Professor Oak, when are we getting our Pokemon?”

Red asked inquisitively as his curious, brown eyes gazed at Professor Oak.
The second sentence in this quote is related to the speech above, so you can't have a paragraph break. In other words, "Red asked inquisitively..." should come straight after the speech.

Quote originally posted by Lashh:
"..... is for you to rest your minds and prepare for the journey ahead.” he added tone to his voice when he mentioned the time.
The sentence is not directly continuing on from the speech, which means that you need a full stop/period at the end of the speech (which you've done) and capitalise the first letter of the following sentence.

Quote originally posted by Lashh:
Then, the Professor turned to his grandson. Blue couldn’t have had a more serious look in his green eyes when they made contact with the Professors.
You're talking about the eyes of the Professor here (well, implying it anyway), and since the eyes belong to the Professor that last word should have an apostrophe before the last S.

There are other things in this prologue which need correcting but I don't want you to feel like I'm crucifying you haha (that and I'm incredibly lazy and have already spent more time on this review than I had anticipated) so I'll leave it at that.

Also, I've noticed that quite often there are multiple spaces between words. This is a really nit-picking, I know, but I noticed it seven times in the opening paragraph. I'm not sure if this continues to happen in the following chapters, but a quick read-over of your work makes it seem less sloppy. While you're at it you can double-check spelling and grammar and your story will be instantly better for it.

Mistakes aside, this was an entertaining read (which surprised me from a canon-y fan fic) and that's the most important thing for me when it comes to stories, so I applaud your writing ability in that sense and will continue to check out this series :D
Reply With Quote