Pokémon - Legends of Kanto
View Single Post
July 30th, 2011 (09:52 PM).
Join Date: Jun 2011
Quote originally posted by
So far I've only read the prologue, but it's an entertaining story despite resembling the anime/manga/games so closely. I'm interested to read more, especially to see how this deviates from the stock-standard Kanto plot.
The sentence doesn't sound right for one reason or another. Like I can read it and understand what you're trying to portray, but if you look at the way you've structured it it seems strange. It's the equivalent of writing a sentence like this: "the ball bounced off the table so quick-moving as it had been thrown moments earlier". Does the sentence I just wrote seem a little weird-sounding to you? If it doesn't nevermind about this whole thing, but if it does then you see where I'm coming from.
Also, you mentioned the word town in the sentence beforehand. There's nothing wrong with this but your writing usually flows better when you use different words, or omit some of them altogether. In this case, it's implied that the breeze is blowing through the town because you set the location of the paragraph in the previous sentence (the location being Pallet Town), therefore you don't
to include where the breeze is blowing.
Maybe try and restructure this sentence so it reads like: "A gentle breeze blew, bathing the townspeople in the warmth of the slowly sinking summer sun."
Something else which I'm not going to touch on much because by no means am I an expert when it comes to writing: try showing and not telling. At the moment you're doing both. Telling is saying "it is a peaceful day in Pallet Town", whereas showing would be describing aspects of the day which make it peaceful (for example, children are playing, gentle breeze on a summer evening, all that sort of stuff). Telling isn't always bad, but sometimes it can take away from the enjoyment of the story, as readers generally find themselves more immersed in something when they're showed. This is completely irrelevant but just came to my head now: think of it this way - you know the evening news how they have reporters on location to tell a news story and it makes it more interesting than a reporter just sitting a room reading out the script with no background? That's sort of what showing vs. telling is.
You've described Pallet Town as a peaceful town twice (and in the first part of the first chapter again). You could always call it a serene place or a tranquil town instead, or even leave out the town and the adjective before it and just say "... for the citizens of Pallet".
Mood isn't something that can be measured, you can be happy or sad or angry but you can't have a high or low mood (as far as I'm aware, anyway). You could write "the level of happiness was high" but it wouldn't really sound that great. Maybe write something along the lines of "the citizens of Pallet could barely contain their excitement", something that makes sense but also sounds natural.
"skills needed" would work better than "requirement" in the above paragraph too, unless you changed the sentence so it reads "graduates have now met the requirements".
Wait, so only three students graduate? What happens to all the other students who don't make it through? Do they have to wait another year and a half? And as its a requirement to graduate from a Pokémon school (according to the paragraph I quoted second) are there some people in the school who are twenty-five or so years old who still haven't graduated? I know none of these questions I've asked seem likely, but you need to explain this in your story. Maybe say "three students graduate every month" or something like that.
Also, I'm sorry but Pallet a town of idiots if Barclay got average scores on Oak's tests and Red's scores were even lower and they both managed to place in the top three of students.
This should read
. When you're talking about something that belongs to someone (for example - "that is Andrew's football") you put an apostrophe between the last letter of the word and the s. Because the word
finishes with and s, you put the apostrophe after the s.
The second sentence in this quote is related to the speech above, so you can't have a paragraph break. In other words, "Red asked inquisitively..." should come straight after the speech.
The sentence is not directly continuing on from the speech, which means that you need a full stop/period at the end of the speech (which you've done) and capitalise the first letter of the following sentence.
You're talking about the eyes of the Professor here (well, implying it anyway), and since the eyes belong to the Professor that last word should have an apostrophe before the last S.
There are other things in this prologue which need correcting but I don't want you to feel like I'm crucifying you haha (that and I'm incredibly lazy and have already spent more time on this review than I had anticipated) so I'll leave it at that.
Also, I've noticed that quite often there are multiple spaces between words. This is a really nit-picking, I know, but I noticed it seven times in the opening paragraph. I'm not sure if this continues to happen in the following chapters, but a quick read-over of your work makes it seem less sloppy. While you're at it you can double-check spelling and grammar and your story will be instantly better for it.
Mistakes aside, this was an entertaining read (which surprised me from a canon-y fan fic) and that's the most important thing for me when it comes to stories, so I applaud your writing ability in that sense and will continue to check out this series :D
View original post
Hey thanks for the review and the crit! I've been working to avoid those little edges you mentioned in later chapters in the story, so I hope you enjoy the rest of them as they come! And about the space thing, I don't know about that cause I usually don't notice something that little when I'm proof reading.
Anyways, thanks again for reading this, and I hope you continue to! I have every intention of making this a loveable Kanto story but deviating it in my own way so it's not predictable. I hope you continue reading, and now I'll go back to writing.
I'll release another chapter during the wait.
Credit for the theme goes to Hybrid Trainer
anyways, check out my fanfic, Legends of Kanto
first volume completed, chapter releases on the way!
View Public Profile
Send a private message to Lashh
Find all posts by Lashh
Find threads started by Lashh
Ignore Posts by Lashh