View Single Post
  #23    
Old August 23rd, 2011, 11:04 AM
cruciFICTION's Avatar
cruciFICTION
A Cruciform Kaleidoscope
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Brisbane
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
Varion's battle sprite looks a little bit odd. It's too obviously mashed together from obvious things. Aside from that, your script (as in dialogue and such) needs a lot of work.
If you'd like a hand with that, I'd be happy to proofread it.

EDIT: For example:
Quote:
Player's Story:
You play as a fifteen (avoid using numbers for ages. I know it's "easier", but it's professional to write the number out if it's under 100) year old child (fifteen years old isn't really a child) who has helped injured Pokémon since he was five ("you were" changes the tense and the point of view. Same deal with the numbers). Since then you have become a huge fan of Pokémon (not become). So, a couple of weeks back, you applied to become a member of Litania Town's fan club, a small but cosy group (saying fan club again here is too repetitive).
(new line) Today, a letter returned saying you were (you use "your" a lot, and incorrectly, too) denied membership. Your mom blames your ("the" lack makes it sound too general, like there's some region-wide lack of pokémon) lack of pokémon and (don't use slashes in this sort of writing. Looks very unprofessional) experience. She recomends you find Prof. Ludson, the local Pokémon Professor, and kindly ask for a Pokémon.
(new line) When going to Ludson Labs, a tall blonde trainer blocks the door claiming Professor Ludson is not in, and has gone to explore the forest for some reason. Out of curiosity you follow. Once you enter the forest, you hear the loud call of a Regice. After further exploration, you see Prof. Ludson being hassled by a man. You pick up Prof. Ludson's pokéball and fight the mysterious wanderer off. As a reward, Prof. Ludson gives you the Pikachu you used. You then leave for your journey around the Septi Region.
I like the name "Septi" region. It's a good name, that is.
__________________

Last edited by cruciFICTION; August 23rd, 2011 at 11:13 AM.
Reply With Quote