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August 23rd, 2011, 11:04 AM
A Cruciform Kaleidoscope
Join Date: Jul 2011
Varion's battle sprite looks a little bit odd. It's too obviously mashed together from obvious things. Aside from that, your script (as in dialogue and such) needs a lot of work.
If you'd like a hand with that, I'd be happy to proofread it.
EDIT: For example:
You play as a
fifteen (avoid using numbers for ages. I know it's "easier", but it's professional to write the number out if it's under 100)
year old child
(fifteen years old isn't really a child)
who has helped injured Pokémon since
he was five
("you were" changes the tense and the point of view. Same deal with the numbers)
. Since then you have become a huge fan of
Pokémon (not become)
. So, a couple
you applied to become a member of Litania Town
fan club, a small but cosy
group (saying fan club again here is too repetitive)
Today, a letter return
were (you use "your" a lot, and incorrectly, too)
denied membership. Your mom blames
your ("the" lack makes it sound too general, like there's some region-wide lack of pokémon)
lack of pokémon
and (don't use slashes in this sort of writing. Looks very unprofessional)
experience. She recomends you find Prof. Ludson
and kindly ask for a Pokémon.
When going to Ludson Labs
a tall blonde trainer blocks the door claiming Professor Ludson is not in
and has gone to explore the forest for some reason. Out of curiosity you follow
the loud call
of a Regice.
you see Prof. Ludson being hassled by a man. You
pick up Prof. Ludson's pokéball
and fight th
mysterious wanderer off. As a reward
Prof. Ludson gives you the
leave for your journey
the Septi Region.
I like the name "Septi" region. It's a good name, that is.
Last edited by cruciFICTION; August 23rd, 2011 at
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