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Old September 8th, 2011, 03:10 AM
Zeffy
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SeekerOfDarkness View Post
Spoiler:
The rain ran down the glass
His eyes stared blankly ahead
Seeing nothing, saying nothing
He watches the one he loved
Yet she notices him not
Seeing no one, knowing no one

He screams at the stars above
Why can't she feel him there
They see no one, so they see nothing

He hides his face from the world
He hides the tears that he cries
He hides the scars that he wears
So they see nothing

He roles the die and hopes for good chance
While he knows that chance is never good
Still he waits, still he hopes for the time
When he can leave this ghostly life
I'm not really in the mood to criticize poetry or anything at the moment, but I bothered myself to review this first poem of yours. The others, maybe later when I have more time.

First off, a spelling error.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SeekerOfDarkness View Post
He roles the die and hopes for good chance
I believe 'roles' is supposed to be 'rolls'.

Anyways, by any chances is this poem supposed to be a song too? It certainly does give me that same aura that song lyrics gives me.

I can see that this is also a freeverse poem, correct? I do like poem itself, however something seems to irk me when I read it. It's like the flow isn't that great. And rhythm weren't all that noticeable. I do like the message though.

All in all, a good poem. I do look forward to reading the other ones soon.
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