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Old September 22nd, 2011, 08:50 AM
Silent Memento's Avatar
Silent Memento
Memories are forever...
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: St. Louis, Missouri
Age: 23
Gender: Male
Nature: Timid
I thought that your computer was named Ophelia - or is this a totally different computer you're talking about?

I'll be combing through some grammatical errors:

Quote:
“And what's more, you haven't done anything except interfere with me work, and then tell me that it was all coincidence. I don't want to work with you.”
There's a small typo with the first bolded part. The second part would sound a lot better if you added an "a" between the two bolded words or turned "coincidence" into "coincidental".

Quote:
"It's like shaking up a bottle of fizzy cola and opening the top, only instead of cola it's raw anger that melts your brain.”
I'm not certain if the bolded words need a comma between them, but they look sort of awkward on their own.

Quote:
“We can't afford to be caught. Get the vans ready; I want to be out of here five minutes ago.”
Neither of the bolded words fit with each other. Maybe you could use the word "wanted" or reword the sentence as "I want to be out of here in five minutes".

Either way, I'm pretty impressed with the character development. Jackson looked impressive in his first two chapters (although it makes me shudder when I think of the next admin and what her Pokemon can do...)

Sincerely,

Mem.
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