My Trip to the End of Time, by Pearl Gideon
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September 22nd, 2011, 04:50 PM
Memories are forever...
Join Date: May 2011
Location: St. Louis, Missouri
I thought that your computer was named Ophelia - or is this a totally different computer you're talking about?
I'll be combing through some grammatical errors:
“And what's more, you haven't done anything except interfere with
work, and then tell me that it was
. I don't want to work with you.”
There's a small typo with the first bolded part. The second part would sound a lot better if you added an "a" between the two bolded words or turned "coincidence" into "coincidental".
"It's like shaking up a bottle of fizzy cola and opening the top, only instead of
raw anger that melts your brain.”
I'm not certain if the bolded words need a comma between them, but they look sort of awkward on their own.
“We can't afford to be caught. Get the vans ready; I
to be out of here five minutes
Neither of the bolded words fit with each other. Maybe you could use the word "wanted" or reword the sentence as "I want to be out of here in five minutes".
Either way, I'm pretty impressed with the character development. Jackson looked impressive in his first two chapters (although it makes me shudder when I think of the next admin and what her Pokemon can do...)
Quotes are nothing but words.
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