The Surprising Adventures of a Glaceon in Unova (T)
View Single Post
December 1st, 2011, 09:31 AM
Gone. May or may not return.
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: The Misspelled Cyrpt
I'm back, and the first thing I'm going to suggest is that you leave a blank line between each paragraph, purely for the sake of my and the other readers' eyes.
Nextly, which is not actually a word, I'm going to get onto an actual review of this latest chapter. First off, I liked the way Boreas won; battles are at their best when off-the-wall tactics are used to win them. It definitely marks an upward swing in the way you handle battles, that much is for certain.
I still think the battle's writing itself was a little wooden, though. You've got short, dull sentences that tell you what's happening without giving any sense of the energy of the fight. I think you can solve the problems by simply making them a bit more interesting; for instance, this:
The flames' heat was terrible, searing his fur and making him hurt all over. He continued charging with tears of pain in his eyes as Trogdor got ready for another Incinerate.
could be this:
The flames washed over him in a wave of blistering pain, searing his fur and forcing his eyes shut - but Boreas didn't stop; he kept charging, tears pricking at his eyes, as more fire gathered in the corners of Trogdor's mouth. Through the pain, he realised there was another Incinerate on the way...
Basically, I'm recommending more expressive language and more detail with it. It'll make the battle scenes
Right. Major complaint out of the way. Now for the little stuff:
“So this really
Gym?” Black asked.
You missed a space on the bolded bit.
“I agree with Chili's assessment.” Cress spoke.
That should be a comma after 'assessment'. You've made that mistake several times.
Cinder did a
Another space missed.
with several rapid ducks she dodged Octa's vines and
Missing an 'on' or 'at', perchance?
“Yes, thank you, I know that.” Octa sneered
Not sure if 'sneered' is really the right word here. Perhaps 'said quellingly' might work better. Also, you did that thing with a full stop instead of a comma again.
Between the cover and the macaroni stinging in his eyes Trogdor didn't even remotely hit Boreas
That makes sense, but it's a bit odd; 'remotely' wouldn't usually be used in this context. 'didn't manage to land a hit' or something similar would be better. 'Remotely' is more usually used with something less tangible than hitting someone, like an idea or a geographical location. I'm explaining that really badly, so I'm going to pretend I never said it and move on.
The ending was a bit weak, I thought. Not awful, just a little weak; it could have ended on a slightly more dramatic line than 'with Munny as my new team member, I think I can beat him!' Eh, I'm being nitpicky.
All in all, though, the battle ideas are getting more interesting, and the story continues to be not only worth the time spent reading it but also a source of enjoyment. Oh yeah, and as a habitual maker of jokes and suchlike, I really liked this:
“I beg your pardon? I drink it, for wine is what makes the difference between supper and dinner and between lunch and luncheon.”
“What about breakfast?”
“Well, I suppose it also makes the difference between breakfast and alcoholism, but that is beside the point.”
Mm. That's a good joke, and the Cutlerine
. And apparently he talks about himself in the third person.
As ever, I await the next chapter.
The Thinking Man's Guide to Destroying the World
The Rocket Case
The Rocket Revival
Neither Here Nor There
Coriolanus Rowland's Guide to Pokémon Husbandry
Robin Goodfellow's Christmas Carol
Stranger Than Fiction
My Trip to the End of Time, by Pearl Gideon
A Smell of Petroleum Pervades Throughout
For information about A Grand Day Out, a bizarre short story in video game form, click
View Public Profile
Send a private message to Cutlerine
Find all posts by Cutlerine
Find threads started by Cutlerine
Ignore Posts by Cutlerine