White Heart Black Bones [PG-14]
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December 1st, 2011, 07:28 PM
Not a Baygel
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Dani California
All right first off, LOVE YOUR ICON! Greed 1.0 is quite awesome, LOL. Okay, with that out of my system, onto the review!
That's right… my Pokémon died here at the top of the world. And I simply watched as it happened. I failed.
Dang, that’s an intense line there I have to say.
I seemed to have dark circles under my eyes almost constantly. I looked almost zombified, good thing I was too depressed to care about my appearance.
Real quick I feel this line in a first person POV is a bit jarring as how would Touko, who is narrating the story, know how she looked like? Only way this would work is if she’s looking at a mirror or another reflection of some sort, but there was no mention of that.
My expression turned bitter as I watched the smoke drift out over the sky.
I also have to question how the main character know her expression is bitter if she can’t see herself pulling that expression. Maybe she lets out a bitter sound or is just feeling bitter in general?
My own shocked expression was reflected in the metal patch over his eye.
Now this is fine as you have Touko mention seeing her facial expression from Ghetsis’s metal patch.
"Are you alright?"
e asked me, turning to look directly into my eyes. I pushed him back with a wall of emptiness, an unresponsive gesture.
Also real quick whenever you have the pronouns he or she in dialogue tag, the first letter has to be lowercase not uppercase, so
"Are you alright?" he asked me, turning to look directly into my eyes
would be correct.
Yeah in short when writing in first person POV be careful how you describe the reactions of the characters and their expressions. If you have Touko narrating the story, it’s fine if you have her said, “A wicked grin pulled over N’s face” while not fine to but “A wicked grin pulled on my face” as Touko probably won’t be able to know how she was grinning.
icomeanon6 already mention what I thought of the story so far. Very interesting you have Touko lose and the setting you have here is nicely developed so far. I also like how you keep the toys in N’s room as that’s part of his personality. I too didn’t get to play Black (or played much of it due to my DS Lite died >.<; ), but I’m aware more or less what had happened in the games and I always thought of N as a weird but interesting character, haha. Poor Touko with her nightmares. :<
Overall, quite like the concept of this story already and can’t wait to read more of what is to come!
→Spark. Flash. Flame.
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Last edited by Bay Alexison; December 4th, 2011 at
. Reason: The H in "he" is suppose to be lower cased @_@
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