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Old December 1st, 2011 (08:59 PM).
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psyanic psyanic is offline
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Posts: 1,283
So, this is a prologue I'm guessing? As a prologue, it's not doing well I'll admit. It's moreover of a very short first chapter, with little content in it. Try adding in more content if you're going to move the story. You have plenty of time to actually write. The internet isn't going anywhere.

You introduce a lot of interesting things in your story, such as the concept of healing magic and the works. I like fantasy. I think it would help your story if you described the world in general.

There is little description or a setting, other than that Hikari lives in a village, somewhere in the world. Nothing is placed out, no identity of citizens other than Kaine, another person in the village I'm presuming. Help readers visualize what's happening, since the majority of it is vague other than Hikari's pendant, which I'll get to later. But look, the world is obscure. I can't make heads or tails of most of it and Hikari has, so far, no character shown at all. It would help if you described her and made the story follow her around in her daily life, just seeing how she lives since she is essentially an outcast.

Quote originally posted by Kamiya-chan:
A few days after her village's Spirit Festival, Hikari left for the two-day journey to Espira for her Traveler's Permit. She entered the building on the 4th day of the third month.
Here, the first sentences of your story. The first sentence will more often than not define the mood of your story. Here, it's all bland and little happens. We don't know who Hikari is. There's little description of what's happening, which I mentioned before. The beginning should immediately entice the reader, inspiring them to actually read it. Think of it as the hook. As for the next point, I'm being nit-picky here but you don't need the bolded text. It's useless information, so don't put it in. Unless it is important later if you're going to use it as some theme or whatnot.

Quote originally posted by Kamiya-chan:
She was wearing a pendant that identified her as one with the rarest illness: Only seven in history had it, so it was just called The Illness. It was bittersweet since those with that sickness had a unique power - the power to weaken or strengthen the spirit of the target. The wielder could even save a person who has recently died if she gets there before 72 hours have passed.
So this is the next part, explaining Hikari. Kind of. This is dedicated to describing her pendant, or why it's on her, and what it does. I like to say here, "Show, don't tell." It's more interesting to readers if she actually does use her powers instead of just flat-out saying it.

Quote originally posted by Kamiya-chan:
Hikari was forbidden entry since the new required age was 14, but once her pendant was noticed, they let her in and after two hours, her permit was approved. She left, looking at it.
Right around here, I got lost fast. I had to reread that first paragraph at least five times before I understood what was going on. It jumped around a bit too much and a lot of things are left obscure and unclear. Like you referred to a "building" which Hikari entered, then described her illness, then jumped back to the actions of the story. When you do that, be sure to remind the reader where the character is, just to avoid confusion. The forbidden entry part is also a bit vague, since we have no idea what she's trying to get a permit for. Oh, by the way, permit is not capitalized. Unless the permit is the only permit in the whole entire world, leave it uncapitalized since it's not a proper noun.

Quote originally posted by Kamiya-chan:
"Oh, I should visit him." Hikari said to herself before asking where the one who introduced himself as Kaine lived. After receiving directions, she knocked at his door.

"Hello... oh, Miss Hikari, welcome." Kaine greeted kindly. "What brings you all this way..?"

"Hi, Sir Kaine. I just got my Traveler Permit!" Hikari said excitedly, showing it to him.
Again, jumping around too fast. Hikari is doing something then asks directions, apparently to the wind, and goes to Kaine, who is a new character. We don't even know who he is. He is called "Sir Kaine", but we have no idea why. He could be a knight, or a duke, or a King, or an army commander. We still don't know. Be sure to explain these things, and try to add in more actions and descriptions. It seems like Hikari is in a world with the smallest population, ever. Try to include other things, like setting, especially when you're shifting scenes.

The next parts are all the same as above, just tidbits of information stockpiling without much being explained. The village (not capitalized by the way) has a taboo word, they had a Spirit Festival, and we got a glimpse of it if anything. You are writing an original fiction story, so part of your job is to describe the world. You don't have to do it in one go, but since it's a fantasy you should add in bits of descriptions and try to implement a bit of culture. It gives your story a bit more color.

I like the concept of it, since I'm a sucker for anything fantasy and magical. Remember to put in a bit more actions and settings, along with actual character development. I'll look forward to more chapters, so keep writing!
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