Thread: [Pokémon] Unwanted Dream
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Old December 2nd, 2011 (6:14 AM).
Cutlerine Cutlerine is offline
Gone. May or may not return.
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: The Misspelled Cyrpt
Age: 22
Nature: Impish
Posts: 1,030
I meant to review this quite a while ago, but I kind of got distracted; I suppose that doesn't matter now, because I'm going to do it anyway, and there's more to say what with the chapters you've recently posted.

First of all, I like this. I find a great deal of Pokémon stories irritatingly saccharine or, if there is some problem, that it doesn't actually affect the protagonist as much as it ought to. In this, though, you've constructed a world that reflects a much bleaker version of reality, where the protagonist gets knocked about and loses a fair amount. That's good: it's refreshing and different, and much more interesting for it. I'm also a fan of Pokémon-based drugs in general, because there are so many opportunities there that are frequently passed over. Oddish, Gloom, Miltank, Bayleef - the number of Pokémon that produce what would be called drugs in the real world are surprisingly numerous.

I also don't think the subject matter is wrong for the canon you're writing in. I like that you haven't gone with the traditional type of Pokémon fanfiction; it's a far more adaptable world than people give it credit for, and your story fits into it just fine as far as I can see.

Having said all of this, I do have a few things to point out. I won't mention the spacing issue, because drunk ¬_¬ did that already; other minor things include this:

"Displaced loyalty."
You mean 'misplaced'. 'Displaced' means it was kicked out of its usual place. Also:

What starts such distention is an object
'Distention' means swelling or bloating, which I'm fairly certain is not what the crowd is supposed to be doing. You mean 'discontent' or something like that.

Next up, your little cabal of Evil Rich Kids. I have a few reservations about them; even allowing for the skewed morality of the world you've created, I'm not sure that kids would actually kill someone. It's really not easy to kill someone in cold blood, especially for someone who has a fairly comfortable background; even if they consider someone subhuman, I'm not sure they'd be able to actually put them on a boat to the undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveller returns. Perhaps you think differently. All I'm saying is, it comes across as a little odd to me, even in such a dark world.

Anyway, in the main it's a refreshingly different read, and for that I commend you. It's all too easy to fall into the trap of monotonous mediocrity, and you've avoided it. I look forwards to new chapters with great anticipation and a beautiful dinosaur.


For information about A Grand Day Out, a bizarre short story in video game form, click here.
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