Thread: [Pokémon] Red
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Old December 2nd, 2011, 07:46 PM
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
So, this is a journey take on Red and his adventures through Kanto with Blue, and they're best friends? Not exactly best friends, but you know what I mean. I always liked fanfics that follow the games, it's nice to see how the writer deviates from the games.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kirbyxox View Post
The nurse stared down at the counter twiddling her thumbs. She was bored
and it was nearly closing time. She quickly stood up and walked over to the door.
Nothing wrong here really. I just wanted to point out the quickly in this sentence since it's almost closing time and she shouldn't be in a rush, should she? I mean, there could be some late-night accidents occurring. Come to think of it, Pokemon Centers don't even close. They're just like normal hospitals, unless this Nurse Joy was ending her shift or something. Well, nothing wrong then.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kirbyxox View Post
The boy continued beating on the glass franticly and pointing at a rattata under his arm, she gasped and did a double take. It was badly beaten up and much of its fur was missing.
The first bold is a spelling error, since it is correctly spelled as "frantically." The next part, why would Nurse Joy do a double take? She is a nurse, so seeing injured Pokemon shouldn't be anything new to her. Unless she's fresh from medical school, then she'll be calm and will handle the situation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kirbyxox View Post
Suddenly another boy bundled into the first boy knocking them both into the glass.
I can se what you're trying to do in this sentence, but I don't think bundle is a good word for this situation. I just don't like the world bundled. Try using "ran into" instead. It kind of helps with the next sentence anyway.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kirbyxox View Post
“Can one of you fetch the silver gurney; this rattata’s internal bleeding starting is filling up its lungs and I don't think a healing machine will work now” she said.
The wording is a bit awkward here. I would reword it and add in a few things, so the final product would be, "this rattata's internal bleeding is starting to fill up its lungs..."

This way, there is less confusion and it sounds better.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kirbyxox View Post
“Chansey!” she yelled “get out here we have a dying pokémon”,

A fat, squat pink pokémon waddled quickly out of a side door, it had pink ‘dreads’ on either side of its head and a short, stubby tail and on its chest was a pouch with various medical equipment sticking out.
This bit of dialogue made me laugh, since I imagined the Chansey as a redneck nurse coming out on a moped. The part about dreads didn't really help my laughter. Anyway, capitalize "A" since it's the beginning of the sentence. And about the description of the Chansey, we are fans of the Pokemon. We all are, and what the Pokemon looks like really isn't needed, since everyone knows what a Chansey is. The thing I'd keep would be the part about medical equipment sticking out of its pouch, since that part makes this Chansey different, in a way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kirbyxox View Post
“Wait here” the nurse said to Red and Blue and with a flourish of her white medical coat she disappeared through two double doors with Ratty and the chansey.
For this part, you don't need to say "two double doors" since double means two and it's unnecessary repetition. Leaving it as "double doors" is fine.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kirbyxox View Post
Above the door a sign lit up that said ‘Operating’.

Red and Blue collapsed onto a white sofa and stared at the sign.
You can actually combine these two sentences into a single paragraph. It's less choppy that way. I understand that you don't want a huge block of text, but don't make every sentence on a separate line. Keep it fresh and new, so vary your formatting just a bit. Keep it interesting and, even more importantly, easier to read.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kirbyxox View Post
Red was in a very dark place. He felt around him and realised he was in a cave from the rocky floor and walls.
The correct spelling is "realized." This word is used a lot in your paragraph, so be sure to fix them all up. Also, I don't agree with the "from" in this sentence. He's in a cave, from the floors and walls? That doesn't make much sense, so use "with" instead. You might also want to add some kind of adjective for walls, since it's lonely without one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kirbyxox View Post
As he fell furthur he could see red crisscrossing lines shooting back and forth like lightning, he fell through them and they seemed to swirl around him occasionally touching his arms or legs.
It is spelled as "further". Even more, this is the incorrect word to use here. Further is used to say something metaphorical or imaginative, like saying, "I am further along with my plans." Farther is used for measuring distance, one you can actually measure. In this case, you can technically measure the distance Red is falling (not taking in the fact that it's a dream). So the bolded word should be replaced with "farther".

Quote:
Originally Posted by kirbyxox View Post
Red got up and glanced over it the double doors. The ‘operating’ sign wasn’t on.
Look, I'm being picky again. The "it" isn't needed since there is already a subject, the double doors. What you need here is another preposition, since I know that you're trying to imply Red looked at the double doors. So use "towards" instead of "it". Also, I think this scene would have been good for adding in a bit of character to Red. Make him have emotions, like a sense of relief since the operating sign wasn't on. Or if he was worried because it wasn't. Just by saying that, the reader can tell whether Red is an optimist or a pessimist. It's the little actions that can amount to big things in the end.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kirbyxox View Post
“Oh god” he said as he quickly walked towards it “please be alright.”
I don't like it when writers use "God/god" in a Pokemon fanfiction, since there is already a god. Its name is Arceus. But I found a lot of other writers, since this is in Kanto, use Mew instead. I think it's interesting to use that and keeps the Pokemon feel to it. This is actually up to you, and I just felt like pointing that out. But also, add in a "," or a comma after "god". You need the punctuation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kirbyxox View Post
“My Ratty had so many odds against him and he survived”, Blue exclaimed, “He’s in, like, the top percentage of rattatas.”
I liked this part. Just thought I'd say that. Nice little reference.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kirbyxox View Post
“Yeah, he’s the best” Blue shouted.
Problem here is that Blue just shouts. We don't know how, nor can we read his body language or anything. If you just say "Blue shouted" I think of a five-year old screaming in the Legos section at Toys R Us. Adding in "Blue shouted as he pumped up his fist in a sign of triumph," makes it more flavorful to our hungry... eyes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kirbyxox View Post
“Well I wish you the best of luck, and take these for good measure” she said handing them each several sealed packet of potions and revives.
You should be using the plural form of packets, since you have three of them mentioned. So, "packets".

What you're lacking in your story is a bit of description. Not like what people see, but more about what they do. Red and Blue crash into the door, crash into the sofa, then crash with Ratty. Like the dialogue has very little description in it, while the dream segment had a very odd box in the center, compared to all the other parts of the content. You also never mentioned Red and Blue going to see the gym be closed. I think it would have been funny if you had them talk to that Teachy-TV guy, but it's your story.

I think it's a bit hard to not add so many battles, since we never saw Red's Charmander battle yet, with the exception of the battle against Blue. Well, if you're following the games then Viridian Forest is next so there will be plenty of bug-catchers to battle. I guess adding in Red and Blue beating the crap out of wild Pokemon sounds harsh, but that's pretty close to the games! Are you going to add nicknames for the Charmander and Squirtle? You already gave one to Ratty, so just a bit curious.

I'll keep an eye on this thread to watch your progress. Just try to remember to proof-read a few things, mainly things like spelling/punctuation. Also, try to use clear words that help your story flow a bit. Keep it nice and even and you'll be fine.

Best of luck to you, and I'll see you around!
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