Marowak- The Avenger
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December 3rd, 2011 (9:52 PM).
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
I would suggest adding some more spacing to your story - a line spacing between every paragraph is what you'd want. Doing that makes it easier for people to read, as although you don't need to do that for books with forums/computer screens it's a different matter and has a noticeable effect (for one, computer screens are harder to read anything on for one's eyes, and it's different formatting than for a book). There's also no need to number the paragraphs like that.
As for the story, you have a decent basis here and an alright usage of the whole Cubone/Marowak thing with the skull of the mother. I would suggest however to slow down with the story telling and try to show more on how the events happen in some more detail. You already do this nicely with the battle to some extent, admittedly (it certainly was full of action and more than just 'I used ____, it fainted') but some more description on the emotions of the Cubone/Marowak would have been nice to see, as well as reactions. For instance, when the Aggron used Body/Heavy Slam, how did it feel for the one receiving the pain? All we know is that he's thinking on how to win, but there's no obvious reaction to the attacks he suffered.
Also watch out for run-on sentences. For example:
The Aggron woke up, furious about this, then it went on a rampage, it slashed my mom's belly, blood was leaking, a big wound, then it grabbed my mom, slamming her to the ground, when I saw this using the holes, I was so devastated, then Aggron slammed her to a rock, then it grabbed her head and squeezed her head, breaking the skull that was fused with her body, right before my my eyes.
This was one long sentence there. Note that you can't use commas so often (typically only before one of the 'fanboys' - for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so, and some other instances as well e.g. listing objects/separating adjectives). That quote should rather be split into several sentences but I'd also suggest using these cases to do some rewording. For a rough example:
The Aggron woke up and roared, clearly furious about being awoken. It charged forward on a rampage and slashed my mom's belly. Blood was leaking from a big wound, but before she could do anything it grabbed my mom and slammed her to the ground. When I saw this using the holes, I felt utterly devastated and helpless as the Aggron slammed her to a rock. Then it grabbed her head and squeezed, breaking the skull that was fused with her body, right before my very eyes.
Note that besides adding in a bit more to that part (and you could easily expand on this too - for instance, how is the mother reacting to this assault?) I also fixed some minor issues, like removing the repetition of '...it grabbed her head and squeezed her head...' - saying 'her head' once is fine. There was also a repeated 'my' later on and some other things to fix elsewhere that are easy enough to catch with a proofread. (On that note, "it's" means it is, and its is possessive).
A good way to check if a sentence makes sense or not is to read it out loud - if it sounds too long then it probably is. Make sure that each sentence is about its own topic as well. In the original sentence you talk about the aggron waking up, it being angry, going on a rampage, various details of what the aggron did to the mother, the main character watching and being devastated, and lastly the aggron killing the mother. That's an awful lot for one sentence, so it's better to split it up and in turn be able to expand upon each part.
Otherwise not bad - I just feel that by cleaning up the small grammatical issues and watch those run-on sentences so it reads smoother.
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