Thread: [Pokémon] The Fall to Redemption [PG-13]
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Old December 4th, 2011, 07:53 PM
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Wow. Can I just say I love your story and be done with my review? No? That's a shame!

I really like your concepts, especially with how you mixed in the facts of the simple protagonists from RSE, coming from Johto, saving Professor Birch, etc. It's well done.

I'm going to ask a few questions though. Does this have something to do with Dante's Divine Comedy? It all kind of fits in place, the main character having the name Virgil and venturing out to save his soul (completely basing this off the forward), oh and there's Beatrice in here! Beatrice the wurmple. Not much of an angel guardian is she?

I couldn't see many spelling/grammar mistakes though. I will, however, suggest that you not put your story parts into spoiler tags. It's fine if it's all just spaced out into a massive page. That could just be me, since I'm so used to it that way, and reading it from a spoiler's tag feels so wrong for me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cypher DS View Post
The voices carry on. "Poor thing have a name?"
Right here, it should be a comma instead of a period, since the dialogue corresponds with the verb. This is in the second spoiler tag, Virgil's Dream.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cypher DS View Post
It came infrequently during the first two weeks - that dream of being tied down in the darkness, drugged and loaded into the back of a truck - but now I've been reliving it nightly, like a subconscious playlist looping over a single track.
Oh, I always wondered why the player-character decided to go in the back of the truck rather than the front.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cypher DS View Post
Patch is manning the village gate this morning. (It's a nickname he's earned thanks to the black covering over his right eye.)
I don't think you need to put this in parenthesis. You could just add a comma after "morning" and say "he earned that nickname because..."

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cypher DS View Post
No one has lived in Littleroot longer than five years, and while groups will introduce each other as "brothers", "sisters" or "parents and children", just looking at the spectrum of flesh tones informed me that the happy families of Littleroot were all informal adoptions.
This passage contradicts with your ending, since you said everyone lives forever in Littleroot but no one has lived there for more than five years. I guess it's correctly assuming no one dies...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cypher DS View Post
A solid 'clunk' against my foot wakes me from my ponderings.
"Ponderings" is not a word, at least says my American dictionary. Ponder is a verb as well as pondering, and a verb can't be plural. Use "thoughts" instead.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cypher DS View Post
And then I thought, "grenade!", because the sphere burst open in mid-flight and a fiery ball of energy launched out at the black 'goon, hammering the monster off its feet and face-first into a tree.
Haha, grenade!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cypher DS View Post
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention this last little factoid about Littleroot. You see, whenever anyone gets hurt, be it a paper cut or a scraped knee or - as I've just shown - an amputated leg, the injury heals itself. It hurts like a hot poker, but your injuries always heal.
Does the healing only apply to Littleroot and around it or all of Hoenn? I guess it could only apply to Littleroot since it's magical and all, but that could just be Hoenn as we haven't seen the rest of Hoenn yet.

This is seriously a good-looking story. It's so enticing, so good work. I'm definitely following this story around. The way you mix in the facts of the game is so well in-place that I almost didn't recognize it until I finished reading the whole chapter. Keep it up!
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