View Single Post
December 5th, 2011 (12:33 AM).
Waiting for the rain
Doctor Drakken's lair
Well, uh . . . hmm. I've been meaning to properly review some more of your stuff for a while, and this is a perfect opportunity. There's not going to be terribly much I can say about this, as there's not much to go on at the moment. I do like what you have done here, though. It creates a mood without giving away anything about the story whatsoever, presenting a character who could have any kind of significance.
This sentence, I would change:
The foot felt no such water, but the girl that it belonged to knew it was there.
While I get what you're going for, I just feel that the impact was lessened a little by the awkward phrasing. By making the foot the subject of the first clause, you almost personify it, which is a bit odd in and of itself. The second part of the sentence, however, really makes it feel strange to read.
Overall, though, a nice sense of mystery created using language suitable for the medium. I'm keen to find out what comes next.
And you're as good at dropping fics as I used to be. It gets easier, I promise. *gestures towards Champion Game, Chapter 26*
Joined Jan 2009
View Public Profile
Send a private message to Misheard Whisper
Find all posts by Misheard Whisper
Find threads started by Misheard Whisper
Ignore Posts by Misheard Whisper