Thread: [Pokémon] Drowning [PG-13]
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Old December 5th, 2011, 12:33 AM
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Misheard Whisper
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Doctor Drakken's lair
Age: 19
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Well, uh . . . hmm. I've been meaning to properly review some more of your stuff for a while, and this is a perfect opportunity. There's not going to be terribly much I can say about this, as there's not much to go on at the moment. I do like what you have done here, though. It creates a mood without giving away anything about the story whatsoever, presenting a character who could have any kind of significance.

This sentence, I would change:

Quote:
The foot felt no such water, but the girl that it belonged to knew it was there.
While I get what you're going for, I just feel that the impact was lessened a little by the awkward phrasing. By making the foot the subject of the first clause, you almost personify it, which is a bit odd in and of itself. The second part of the sentence, however, really makes it feel strange to read.

Overall, though, a nice sense of mystery created using language suitable for the medium. I'm keen to find out what comes next.

And you're as good at dropping fics as I used to be. It gets easier, I promise. *gestures towards Champion Game, Chapter 26*
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