White Heart Black Bones [PG-14]
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December 5th, 2011 (4:51 PM).
It's "I Come Anon"
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Northern Virginia
That was a prompt update. :)
Another interesting chapter, I'd say. Not as creepy or chilling as the first one, but that's to be expected. Now that you've got the reader hooked, you're toning things down a bit and turning Touko's attention towards escaping instead of just despairing. I found the little bits of humor funny, like when Touko is wondering just what could be under the bedsheets (you silly, insane girl; of course it's a pokemon! xD ). A bit of humor is a good thing to have in an otherwise dark story as long it's not so overboard that it clashes, and I think you've done fine in that regard. Though I still have no idea what the deal with the sausage octopus is. Is that a Gen 5 joke or something?
At any rate, I'm glad to see that the plot is starting to move; first with Touko grasping at straws for possible escape routes, and then with the news of the dance, which I can just tell is going to be creepy-N-underage-romance-tastic. I kid; in fact, I think I'm starting to warm up to N. Like Touko seems to be doing. Maybe I'm going crazy, too.
Anyway, being willfully ignorant of just about everything in Black and White, I'm also interested in learning more about that carving in the ceiling.
One thing though that rubbed me the wrong way a bit was how Touko apparently eats in the dining room, after she had explicitly said at the beginning that she never leaves the room. She could have been using hyperbole, but the knowledge still jarred me away from the story for a bit once it was time for breakfast.
Writing-wise this chapter felt cleaner to me than the last one, but there were some conspicuous cases of tense confusion.
a sudden movement to my left, and I jumped in surprise. It was so quick, so small that I immediately
that I really saw it. It's just my paranoia again… I stare, with serious vigor, to where I could have sworn I saw something moving under the sheets of N's bed. Nothing moves, everything is still, and I swear I've gone insane.
Other than the "is was," It looks like you were changing your mind about which tense the paragraph was in partway through. I would change it all to be in past-tense like the rest of the story is.
With no movement following the one I could have sworn I'd seen, I
over to the mirror where a small counter lay.
Same problem again. Make a note to be extra careful about that when you proofread.
tl;dr: I'm continuing to enjoy this story, and I can't wait to see the dance and perhaps meet Ghetsis for the first time out of dream.
My chapter fics:
Kanto: The Disputed Frontier
- 14 chapters, indefinite hiatus.
Gary Stu's Unpredictable Adventure
- 8 chapters, completed.
- 7 chapters, ongoing
There's Always Tomorrow
A Matter of Stubbornness
Left by the Roadside
(SWC 2011 1st place),
Giovanni Destroys the World and Everything in It
By What Right?
(SWC 2013 1st place),
Back in the Day
(SWC 2014 1st place)
Family (kind of?):
Strange person who calls me strange names
If the pen is mightier than the sword, the keyboard is mightier than the ICBM.
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