View Single Post
December 8th, 2011 (5:53 AM).
Central Coast - Australia
Oh hey, a fic that involves Pryce. I like Pryce, and your portrayal of him seems quite nice as well thus far, and spot on (going from the games anyway). =)
It was a decent beginning I thought - some nice description during it as well, particularly of the way people talked and looked, although I felt there had been a touch too much in the beginning as nice as it was. It's an interesting concept as well, having a legendary being framed for being a mass murderer, although I wonder who the villain is? (One of my guesses is something that can use Transform as well or a Zoroark... and that reporter sounds a bit suspicious too tbh).
I do feel some points of the plot thus far are a bit iffy though - whatever is the villain it must be very tough to take out 1/4 of the entire Pokemon population, and such a number makes me wonder how much that would have had an effect on other parts of the world too. After all removing a single species from the ecosystem can have a significant effect so a quarter of the whole population would have a huge effect. The only mention of it is the dead bodies however, so perhaps that would be something to consider including or covering in the story.
I'm a bit surprised as well that the legendaries had also been so quick to believe the report (would they even watch/read such things, being Pokemon, even if legendaries?) and not investigate themselves - maybe you already have it covered down the line but it struck me as odd and a bit unbelievable when I read it, albeit curious.
Lastly I felt the last part moved a bit too quickly from Mw being caught to defended to already setting out with an unknown person to find out the true killer - maybe some expansion on that by say showing us more on what Mew is thinking and feeling would be one way to slow down the sudden increase in pace there.
The sun slowly set over the horizon,
once bright yellow glow dimming to orange, then to dark, ominous red.
its (possessive) rather than it's (it is) there. This came up a few other times in the chapter so watch out for that.
"Mom, there's Mew, that killer." a small voice said.
You'd want to use a comma there after 'killer'...
She's already done her damage here, what's the point of returning?" A woman replied.
And likewise, turn that 'A' into an overcapitalised 'a'. The reason for that is that you should only treat the part after the dialogue as its own sentence when it can actually support itself as one sentence. 'A small voice said' and 'a women replied' would not sound right as their own sentences, and furthermore flow on from the dialogue; they're both after all telling is who said those lines/how they were said. Hence there's no need for the capital in the latter example, and in the first you'd want to use a comma instead of a full stop. Note that it doesn't apply to stuff like exclamation marks or question marks because english is silly like that. =p So as another example:
"If she did, of course, everyone would cage her and kill her." The woman said bluntly.
You want that as:
"If she did, of course, everyone would cage her and kill her," the woman said bluntly.
(I'd also suggest removing the comma after 'course' as it doesn't sound quite right to have a pause there if it was spoken aloud to me). There's a few other instances of this as well in dialogue, so be sure to check that out.
She was sure now they would
Missing a full stop at the end there.
t seemed to shine its brightest ray on Tai and Mew as they walked further into the distance, following the red trail..
Two dots were at the end - should be either one (full stop) or three for an ellipse.
Not a bad start though, certainly - just a few small hicuups with grammar and the aforementioned question marks with the plot thus far. The writing is enjoyable to read though and I am interested to see what happens later on. I wish you luck with the rest of your fic.
Joined Mar 2008
View Public Profile
Send a private message to bobandbill
Find all posts by bobandbill
Find threads started by bobandbill
Ignore Posts by bobandbill