POKéMON Ruby Destiny [T]
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December 8th, 2011 (5:03 PM).
Join Date: Sep 2011
First off, there are a couple grammar mistakes in the Author's Introduction sections, for example where you say "there could be some wrong grammars" should be "grammar", although that's not strictly important. Story time!
"A head of Eevees" should be "Eevee". "through the chilly winds are they slowly march" - this doesn't make sense, maybe "through the chilly winds as they slowly march" would be better? "Beedrills" should be "Beedrill", but I'm going to stop pointing out Pokemon plurals after this one. The comma between "chief" and "Grievald" isn't needed. "This year, his herd grew to 27 in number" - tense issues here, maybe replace with "This year, his herd had grown to 27 in number"? "He suffers a broken knee on his left front foot" - does this make sense? "Minutes later and the heavens finally showered the land. They know too well that the forest will soon show mists" - tense has randomly changed here? "Soon, they exited the forest safely." - once again, this contradicts the present tense format you have been using. Mostly al the issues with the prologue are tensing issues so I'll stop pointing them out now, but what I would say is that its extremely hard to write a prologue the way you have in the present tense, especially with English being a second language; I would suggest going back and writing it in the past tense as this will be much easier to write correctly and will also fit in better as a prologue. There are also cases where you seem to randomly swap between tenses, something you may need to look at. Otherwise its a good setting to the story, has definitely made me want to read the rest!
: "we can share our territory to you." - should replace "to" with "with". "break, and afterwards, we'll be on our way." - you don't need two commas here. "and seems to be having a meeting" should be "seemed". I'll stop making corrections as they all seem to follow a similar theme; read back through the work and pay close attention to tenses.
For this chapter it's a good story and it's somewhat exciting, but it is a little confusing as to which Pokemon is supposed to be the main character here. From the prologue I assumed it'd be Espeon, but he's barely mentioned here? I suppose the main characters are Krystal, Joseph and Grievald...?
Throughout the rest of the story, similar errors occur, so I'd recommend going back and checking tenses/plurals; however, the story itself is good. I'm very keen to find out what happens next and the revelations and decisions that have been made by the characters so far have been very interesting to read! I would recommend working a bit more on establishing main themes though, as the story does seem to be somewhat all over the place at times. Overall, good work. I will make sure to check back for future updates and changes!
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