Thread: [Pokémon] Unwanted Dream
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Old December 9th, 2011 (08:48 AM).
Cutlerine Cutlerine is offline
Gone. May or may not return.
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: The Misspelled Cyrpt
Age: 21
Gender:
Nature: Impish
Posts: 1,030
I return, and find a pleasant surprise: action a lá Rhydon (or possibly Rhyhorn; the description doesn't quite let me reach a decisive conclusion). That was all well and good, and I loved the Sableye - honestly, is there anyone who doesn't like Sableye, for concept and looks at least?

I've no major complaints, but there's a couple of things I'd like to point out:

Quote:
Their ears, far too sensitive to noise, flittered about unsurely
This sentence means their ears were doing the flittering. Now, not only is 'flitter' not a word - it appears to be a conflation of 'flutter' and 'flit' - but it seems to me that it's more likely that the Zubat were doing it, rather than their ears.

Speaking of Zubat, you could have made it more obvious where they came in - at first, I missed the bit that said the cavern filled with screeches, and when you mentioned Zubat, I was confused. Then again, that's probably just me being an idiot.

Quote:
their movement's jerky
Should be 'movements' - there's no need for a possessive apostrophe there. Their movements do not own jerky, however amusing a concept that might be to muse upon.

Quote:
By some miracle, just as the rock monster slammed through the cave yet again, Riolu turned into a beam of red energy and returned to its pokeball just as its massive foot slammed down exactly where Riolu's head had been.
You had two clauses here that started with 'just'; usually, in a sentence like this, you'd only have one, because it's more effective and reads better. I'd move the bit about the Rhydon/horn breaking through the wall to a different sentence, if I were you. Also, considering Riolu's small size, would a 'massive foot' not just squish its whole body instead of merely its head?

Anyway, the story continues to be engaging and interesting, despite these little things. I await future updates.

F.A.B.
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