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December 9th, 2011 (5:54 PM).
Wow, this is a horrific scenario for anyone to ever be in... The way you've portrayed it is bedazzling. I like the writing style here, as I read through it it began to feel like more and more kept being realised by the poor individual who's life had been pulled apart in front of him. I'm wondering if "When you know I am right there?" should be "right here?"? I love the use of the phrase "everything I/we have", it really shows the true emotion being portrayed throughout the work. Here: "Feet intwined with anothers not mine, no my best friends", "anothers" and "friends" should both have an apostrophe before the 's' in order to show that the feet belong to the other person, where as at the moment it seems to imply that the woman is going around many friends at once (which could be what you meant?). I very much like it here: "Killing 'us'" where you have put the word "us" in quotation marks, it's such a strong representation of the emotions being portrayed throughout the poem. Overall a great poem, I very much enjoyed reading this work. I can't wait to see any of your future works, hopefully you'll start to experiment with other types of mechanisms throughout. :)
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