White Heart Black Bones [PG-14]
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December 9th, 2011, 09:33 PM
Not a Baygel
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Dani California
I thought the first part with Touko and Laika was very cute. I expected the Zoura to only listen to N, lol. I had an idea though as to why Touko was heartbroken upon seeing Laika transformed into Tepig. Poor her. :<
I’m a bit curious over the gray rose and wonder if that mention will be important later on in the story. I could be wrong, though. LOL The dance between N and Touko is quite lovely and also like their interaction at the railing. Interesting that Touko’s Pokemon are still alive. I actually do believe N might help Touko get her Pokemon back, so hopefully that will happen.
I admit I feel sorry for Touko for not feeling well, but that's what she gets for drinking and eating too much. :/ I want to say though I find it distracting you put the third person pov part and have the label there too as you had the story in first person POV. Felt weird to me the POVs switched for a bit. I thought that scene shed some light over why Ghetsis kept Touko alive, though. If you still insist that scene is needed, maybe take out the third person pov labels and have that part italicized?
One grammar problem I want to mention real quick is I keep seeing you mixing up using semi colons instead of commas. For instance:
Though he did no more than stare me down; Ghetsis’s eyes were paralyzing and freezing me into place.
The semi colon here used is wrong. Semi colons are used to connect two independent but related sentences together. For this part the comma is suppose to be there instead of the semi colon.
I do see a couple instances where you used the semi colon right. An example:
I wondered if the colour of this flower artificially generated; I couldn’t remember ever seeing a gray rose before.
Here you have the semi colon placed right as those two sentences are independent but related to one another. I hope I explained this right, otherwise someone who is better at grammar than me can tell you more about semi-colons.
Overall I enjoyed this chapter a lot and can't wait to see more stuff happening!
→Spark. Flash. Flame.
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Last edited by Bay Alexison; December 11th, 2011 at
. Reason: Comma not colon! D<
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