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December 10th, 2011 (11:29 AM).
Not a Baygel
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Dani California
I like you have Mew questioning a bit whether she should trust Tai or not. I think her then trusting him at the end there wasn't rushed too much, considering it is true the both of them will have to work together to make this work. The ending there is quite intriguing, though perhaps it would have nice if there's a reaction from Victini (like him screaming) before being hit by Shadow Ball (or that's what I'm assuming).
One thing I want to mention real quick is there are parts where you have the punctuation of dialogue all over the place. There are parts where you have it right, like these:
“You’re being extra cynical today,” Mew said dryly.
“Do not fret,” the other Pokémon said.
However, there are times where you have it wrong, like these:
“I really don’t know.” Mew said, exasperated.
“Cobalion, I choose you.” He said.
If you look at the first two parts of dialogue, you have them end in a comma when the dialogue isn't a question or exclamation. However, the last two you end the dialogue with a period, which isn't right. The correct way to write the last two sentences are like this, with the comma replacing the period:
* “I really don’t know," Mew said, exasperated.
* “Cobalion, I choose you,” he said.
(The h in He needed to be lowercase too as pronouns he, she, we, they, etc. are suppose to be lowercase after a dialogue is finished. Only the pronoun I is capitalized)
So yeah, in short I think you need to be more consistent with the punctuation of the dialogue as it seems you're unsure which way is right. Hopefully I explained how to do dialogue correctly fine.
Overall I enjoyed this chapter and things look to be interesting now. Looking forward to more!
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