View Single Post
  #4    
Old December 10th, 2011 (02:18 PM).
Palladium's Avatar
Palladium
2012 FTW!
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Brazil, why?
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
Well, I think that this would go better with the common format; that is with paragraphs instead of sentences a line, as to be honest, this look to me as you’re trying to fill the needed space.

Although I’m not a fan of this kind of plot, the story was nicely written, although in some parts there are inconsistencies like Shen-Lung only caught eleven rabbits, and then one more, but at the end there was thirteen, although I’m assuming you did this purposely, to show that she tried to trick him

About the grammar, nicely done in some places; although I must say I think you could have chosen some better words in some parts, like “the snow froze her paws” instead of pads, and “it was highly improbable” instead of impossible, as the latter is an absolute, that is not subjected to graduation. I also must say that while a great part of this is vastly described, some other aren’t. The forest and Raykaza’s cave for example. Some places contained redundancy, and others were dull and frankly, awkward. Like, as much as respectful he was, I don’t think a son would call his father “-san”, mostly because this implies a great level of formality.

That was it, hope it was helpful.
__________________


"The past has gone, and the future's uncertain, but now is a gift, that's why it's called present"


Active Challenges:
~ Dex Rotation [Red]
Reply With Quote