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Old December 10th, 2011 (5:28 PM).
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Squirrel Squirrel is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: England
Age: 22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Misheard Whisper View Post
Somewhere

With a smile
A transient wish
Goes flying to the sky
Silent, yet at the same time
Resounding
Above, an angel smiles
Below, a dream comes true.
This is an interesting little poem that particularly caught my eye in this thread. I like the intentions I can see behind it - a very emotional poem if the context I'm seeing is right! It seems to me that "Goes flying to the sky" should have a full stop at the end to separate the wish being made and the wish being received by the angelic forces above? I also feel similarly where the word "Resounding" stands alone, once again separating ideas and adding a pause in the rhythm of the poem. Some beautifully complex ideas have been explored in this remarkably short piece, highlighted even more so by the use of words such as "transient" and "resounding" to push forward the ideas and wishes displayed in the poem. I think to improve, you should try and come up with a second stanza either after the current one, or half way through separating the two key ideas. Can't wait to see more of your work, I'll be reading the rest of the thread!
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