View Single Post
Old December 10th, 2011 (5:56 PM).
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic psyanic is offline
There's Something About Lamps
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 19
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Posts: 1,283
Just for a little disowner, I'm just going to be completely honest here and say don't take my bit of criticism in the bad way. Now that's said, let's get started.

Don't just copy + paste without looking because there could be some major styling and format changes when you switch between different websites. You can copy and paste, just make sure you look over the final results. I figured this out after seeing your text in the quote box, with indented paragraphs and the works but it doesn't work when you post it.

Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
When Bob went to his room, he wonders why he is getting beaten up a lot today. He hit his own armor, it's a bit weaker than yesterday. He then worries why. Is it because he stinks? Stinkiness can weaken some things. He can't smell, but breathe due to his eye holes and other holes(arms, chest, legs, back). He then took a bath, the water finally went inside Bob's body and cleaned it.
Where did this guy get armor? I'm just basing this off from your previous post, or chapter, and there's almost nothing mentioning Bob wearing armor. If it's mentioned in a chapter between these two, then post them. I'm not going to go through the trouble of looking at all your other chapters posted on some other website.

This is the first paragraph of your chapter. It's very boring. Other than the fact that his name is Bob, of all names, it's full of repetition and unnecessary rambling. I don't even get it. Bob can't smell? What? I kind of hate saying this about another's literature work, but this is just so vague and off. It doesn't flow at all. It's just Bob does this. Smelling is this. That's so bland. Add in description and vary your sentences.

So I took the time to bold two parts of the text. One is the parenthesis, where you could just say, "the holes on his arms, chest, legs, and back." Or a better way to say it, "holes all over his body like swiss cheese." The next bold is a comma splice. That means two independent clauses are conjoined by a comma, when it should be separated by either a period or a comma.

Also, stinkiness isn't a word.

Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
He is still wearing the armor. When he tried using soap to clean the cast, it went through the eye holes to Bob's eye. Bob then screamed, and he fell down. A while later, his armor is as hard as steel. The next day, when Bob tried saying hi to Derek, Derek didn't respond.
This is jumping everywhere. It makes it confusing and I can barely comprehend what's happening. There's just nothing happening. He tried taking a bath, I'm assuming, and he got soap in his... eye hole? No further comment.

There is another comma splice. This is a lot more obvious than the other one and you should have seen this. Are you proof-reading this?

Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
"Derek, why won't you talk to me still?"
I need a space here
"You don't get it do you Bob?" A girl said.
I need a space here
"Miranda, get out of this, I'm trying to talk to Derek."
Okay, first, format it correctly. Space out everything by another line, which I have noted for you in the corresponding places.

Next, this made me so lost. I have no idea where Bob is, nor Derek. Then a girl comes out of nowhere. You're lacking actions. Also, please put in some imagery. This is getting ridiculous.

Okay, I've decided to stop saying things specifically at content, because I'd get agitated. You have a lot of problems with agreeing in the tense. You started with present, then switched to past right when you began typing up dialogue. Please choose a tense and be sure to be consistent.

Your opening sentence about Bob, in the first chapter, told the reader everything about Bob. You should never do that. This is a story and in stories, characters are revealed. This is when you discreetly say little things, like if Bob hid in a locker readers could tell that he is a timid person. Or if he doesn't speak much and other characters comment on it. It is not the narrator's job to just hand out character sheets with their personality decked out.

Your characters are unrealistic. It doesn't matter what genre you're writing in, your characters have to be believable. I have no idea if these characters are human or not, but I guess that's irrelevant. If they talk, they have a mind. And as far as I'm concerned, they should be able to think properly. None of the characters like Bob, and it seems like it for no reason. It's just not plausible. I mean no one likes him. Now Bob isn't the worst person on the planet, so why does everyone hate him? He's not stuck up, frightening or anything. He's just... well... nothing to me. Just there. Please explain it.

There are a lot of grammar problems. Oddly enough, there's almost no problem with spelling. Your sentences are the root of the problem, since everything is placed so awkwardly and they sound terrible. The dialogue sounds almost robotic to me. There are too many commas and a lot of them unnecessary. I'll say this: Proof-read. Please read over what you wrote before posting it on some forum.

I suggest you get a beta reader or someone so that they could tell you what needs work before posting it. It helps a lot.

Sorry if I sounded a bit harsh. I'm just saying a few things you need to work on, which is a lot. You should just revamp a lot of it, then we'll see. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask me.

I'll see you around.
Reply With Quote