White Heart Black Bones [PG-14]
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December 11th, 2011, 05:10 AM
It's "I Come Anon"
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Northern Virginia
And now it is my turn to say that I mostly agree with Bay. :P
The best part of the chapter for me was definitely Laika's Tepig illusion. Truth be told, I felt like crying (didn't though. guess you'll have to try harder). It was a wonderfully subtle way of illustrating the source of Touko's sorrow. When I first looked it over, I was all "Well, someone's getting awfully emotional at the sight of a pig," then I remembered that Tepig is the Gen V fire starter (always the most popular starter), and then I was like "Oh my God, that's awful." That segment packed a heavy emotional punch, very well done.
And like Bay, I thought the dance was well done. The whole black/white theme was neat, but I wonder if Touko was missing the point in regards to her dress and N's attire. She describes herself and him as being "exempt from the rules," but it's more like they're a special case within the rules. I've read up a bit on the Gen V story, so I get the impression that you're trying to convey that N and Touko are going to play some important role in regards to the bridge/connection/relationship between pokemon and humans. Or I could be totally wrong; don't tell me, just keep writing. :D
And yeah, Bay's right about the whole
It's 3rd person now, guys!
thing. Putting the section in italics would definitely be better. Actually, what would be really neat but also really challenging would be if you had that part be in
1st person (1st pokemon?) perspective.
It's finals season and I don't have the energy to delve into grammar right now, but I think I recall some instances of sentences without proper verbs, and maybe one with too many. You got this chapter up awfully fast, so I'd recommend taking more time to proofread. And Bay's right about the semi-colon thing.
Another fine chapter, and I can't wait to see what "STUFF" will happen next time. You say it's probably not the kind of stuff we're thinking of, and since I
wasn't thinking about sick and illegal activity between Touko and N, I'm now suspicious. You monster! >:|
My chapter fics:
Kanto: The Disputed Frontier
- 14 chapters, indefinite hiatus.
Gary Stu's Unpredictable Adventure
- 8 chapters, completed.
- 5 chapters, ongoing.
There's Always Tomorrow
A Matter of Stubbornness
Left by the Roadside
(SWC 2011 1st place),
Giovanni Destroys the World and Everything in It
A proud member of the
Family (kind of?):
Strange person who calls me strange names
If the pen is mightier than the sword, the keyboard is mightier than the ICBM.
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