View Single Post
  #2    
Old December 11th, 2011 (04:59 PM).
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic psyanic is offline
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 19
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Posts: 1,283
Well I haven't seen you around for a while. So this is a Sonic the Hedghog fanfiction? We'll see how this goes then.

Quote originally posted by juniebug910:
But they soon caught up and attacked. He was knocked to the ground, still alive and awake, but severly injured. Then, the ruler of them appeared in front of him, floating in mid-air. The being was Mephiles. He looked up at Mephiles, still very hurt.
You refer to "they" a lot here, it's still very vague. At least put in a small little word defining what they are, before you use they. It helps with clarity. In addition, there is very little to no description here. It would be more interesting if we could actually visualize what's happening here rather than simple actions. Spice it up a bit.

Quote originally posted by juniebug910:
"Why.....why are you after me....." the hedghog said as he fell to the ground once more.
Space here
Mephiles landed in front of him and replied "Because, Shadow. You did seal me away before. But that was five hundred years ago, and you are still alive."
Remember to space out dialogue when the next set of dialogue is a different speaker.

Quote originally posted by juniebug910:
"Now, tell me where the girl is." the dark being commanded.
You should have a comma after "is" instead of a period. This is to signify that the dark being actually commanded it and is in the same sentence.

Quote originally posted by juniebug910:
He was even more hurt then before.
Yeah, another bit about description. I would suggest that adding in what's hurting helps, like if his back was burnt and sore being hit with electricity or something. "He's hurt" is a bit too bland.

Quote originally posted by juniebug910:
Shadow slid down onto the ground, severly hurt. "I.........still...........won't tell........." he stuttered.
The correct spelling for the bolded text is "severely". As for the amount of periods typed, it would be better to use an ellipse which is simply "..." or three periods. It looks more professional and less spam-y.

Quote originally posted by juniebug910:
Mephiles then clawed until Shadow was unconcious, then lifted him to the ground and dissapeared.
The respective spellings are as follows: unconscious, disappeared. Okay, now that's cleared up, we can talk about content. You said Mephiles clawed Shadow so that he would be unconscious, but he's clawing him. So unless he's clawing Shadow so that he loses a significant amount of blood, I find it hard to believe. It would be better if Mephiles just kicked him in the head, since Shadow is on the ground writhing in pain. Anything that would actually cause a concussion would be nice.

Quote originally posted by juniebug910:
She ran out from her hiding spot when Mephiles was gone, picked up the unconcious and severly injured Shadow, and ran to her home to take care of the black and red hedgehog.
Same spelling mistakes here, I hope you can see those. As for the sentence itself, I bolded the second part because it is in need of a conjunction. So after "gone" put in "and". It's just grammatically correct. But for this whole sentence, it's all a bit runny and you could fix it up a bit. For the last part, starting with, "and ran to her home", you could take out the comma and say, "She ran to her home..." It's neater too.

So this is a prologue. It leaves out some information, referring to characters, and we already have our antagonist! At least it gives a few questions as to why Mephiles is beating the crap out of Shadow. However, leaving Shadow to die seems a bit off. Personally, I'd be sure he was dead. I know it'll be hard to actually put in a way so that Mephiles would allow him to live, but it just doesn't make sense. It could be interesting if you geared it to be a plot factor, since Shadow already survived once before.

I would also like to know why Shadow couldn't fight back. But I guess you can answer that in future installments.

Just be sure to look over your work, especially for things like spelling and grammar. I'd suggest typing it up in a word processor, or at least spellcheck it.

That aside, it looks promising. Good luck on your writing!
Reply With Quote