View Single Post
  #16    
Old December 13th, 2011, 09:11 AM
Cutlerine
Gone. May or may not return.
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: The Misspelled Cyrpt
Age: 20
Gender:
Nature: Impish
Like a boomerang, like a pigeon, like a rubber ball, I return, and bring on my wings the twin gifts of reviewing and... er, something else. I should really start thinking these things through before I start writing them.

OK, onto the review. There are a couple of dialogue-related mistakes here:

Quote:
“Zzzhuh?” Black mumbled, “I know, be quiet and let me sleep.”
That comma after 'mumbled' ought to be a full stop, because the two things Black says aren't part of the same sentence.

Quote:
“Palkia's plectrum!”, Marylin cursed as she looked about and saw the large group of angry trainers, “don't try to stop us, it's for their own good!”
Here, you should remove the comma before 'Marylin', and change the one after 'trainers' to a full stop, as well as capitalising the 'don't'. It's all for the same reason as the above example: 'Palkia's plectrum' and 'Don't try to stop us, it's for their own good!' are separate sentences. You make similar mistakes throughout; I suggest you look it over and search them out.

I've already pointed out the slightly dull tone in places, but since you've written this up in advance, I don't think I need to do so again - just be wary of it for whatever chapters you're currently working on.

I do like the reference to Team Plasma's ridiculous battle-cry, 'Plasmaaaaaa!', which is inevitably followed by either a battle or the grunts running away. Equally, I remain a fan of this wonderful Dutch version of Sage Rood, especially given that you've made him ridiculously powerful. I do have to wonder about the force necessary to break a Poké Ball, though - I mean, they are designed to be chucked around, and they must get knocked about a fair bit. Aside from that, though, Boreas' trick - and Rood himself - were great; I love it when characters lapse into their original language under stress.

In summary, I have no way of gauging how much you're actually improving, but I hope you continue to do so, and I enjoyed these chapters anyway, which leaves this whole statement somewhat irrelevant.

F.A.B.
__________________

For information about A Grand Day Out, a bizarre short story in video game form, click here.
Reply With Quote