View Single Post
Old December 24th, 2011 (11:31 AM).
Cutlerine Cutlerine is offline
Gone. May or may not return.
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: The Misspelled Cyrpt
Age: 22
Nature: Impish
Posts: 1,030
Well, it's been a while, but I'm back. Now, until you catch up here with the rest on Bulbagarden, I can't do much more than repeat my previous warnings about woodenness - I noticed it more than usual as I read through these chapters, though that's probably because I haven't read any of this for a while - but I can offer some advice on something new that I've just spotted: some decidedly underwhelming description.

This is what I mean:

An abhorrent gust of infernal, flames hit Boreas, much, much warmer than anything he had ever imagined possible.
The problem here is the word 'warmer'; it's a very weak word for heat, possibly the weakest one there is. A better choice would be 'hotter', really. (There also shouldn't be a comma after 'infernal', but that's another matter.)

The same thing crops up here:

Cheren's Pidove had been closest, but she had turned out to have crashed into the river and was floating around on her back, badly burnt but still alive. Now that the excitement of battle was over, Boreas had a chance to examine himself. His fur was badly burnt, completely blackened and dead in some places, while in others it just looked poor and thin.
You repeat 'badly burnt' so that it loses its impact, and at any rate, you could probably do better than 'poor and thin' for the quality of his fur. 'Poor' seems to me to be an odd choice to describe fur that's had parts burned out of it, anyway; consider 'seared', 'singed', 'scorched', and other such words. Stronger, more varied adjectives will increase the interest.

Aside from that, I have a small point regarding this:

“No, my dear fellow, that's the really quite fascinating part, he doesn't. You see, as much as he hates his uncle now that he knows the truth, he can't bring himself to commit cold-blooded murder.”
Octa is entirely incorrect. Anyone who knows as much as he claims to about Hamlet would know that the reason Hamlet doesn't kill Claudius then is not due to an inability to commit cold-blooded murder; I mean, right afterwards he goes and kills Polonius because he thinks he's his uncle. The real reason he doesn't kill him is because he believes Claudius is at prayer, and he reasons that if he kills him right then when his sins are being absolved, he'll just go to heaven, and Hamlet really wants him to go to hell. So he decides to kill him at some other time, when he's drunk or in bed with Gertrude or something. The irony is, of course, that Claudius isn't praying; he finds himself incapable of prayer, his murder of his brother weighing too heavily on his mind to let him communicate with God. That turned out longer than I thought, but the point remains.

Anyway, that's all I can say for now, other than that it seemed a bit strange how Toxica joined them. There was never any mention of Black actually catching her, or why she came with them - in any ordinary circumstance, when one person meets another, they don't immediately up sticks and go with them. This seems even more strange when you consider that Toxica's an Oddish, and they're fairly sedentary during the day at least; they only move around at night, and even then, I doubt they would wander right across the country and into a city without some strong motivation. I'm sure you have an explanation, and it's fairly obviously hinted at, but it would be nice to have it more clearly explained and expanded on.

That's all for now. Keep it up, and aim ever higher.


For information about A Grand Day Out, a bizarre short story in video game form, click here.
Reply With Quote