Thread: [Pokémon] Unwanted Dream
View Single Post
Old December 24th, 2011 (12:39 PM).
Cutlerine Cutlerine is offline
Gone. May or may not return.
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: The Misspelled Cyrpt
Age: 22
Nature: Impish
Posts: 1,030
As for 'flittered' it is a word and means "to move around in a restless or nervous way".
Right you are. I think I have an innate suspicion of all words formed by conflation, but since 'flitter' has been around since the 1400s I'll accept it as legitimate.

So! I've been lazy for a while, but I return to an absolute treat. The whole Rhyhorn situation is fantastic as a plot device: it necessitates a crash course in Training, a burst of creative thinking, a bit of exposition... Really, I have to congratulate you on coming up with it; it drives Shaun's story onward perfectly.

Sableye's also great. I mean, I love Sableye so I'm biased, but its whole personality is wonderful, and the fact that I can like it so much means it's been written well. So, further congratulations on that.

However, as ever, there are a few minor things that struck me about these last few chapters.

Its form was horrible.
This is in reference to Riolu after the escape from the Rhyhorn and the Zubat, and considering the depth of description and all around quality of writing to be found everywhere else in the story, it comes across as a bit weak; it also seems to be slightly out of joint stylistically with the rest of Shaun's narration. I know it's third person, but we still see most of the action through the lens of your protagonist, and it doesn't sit well with the style you use elsewhere. Still, that's very minor, and I've written way too much about it already, so I'll move on.

even if Sableye walked with a chagrined air
Walking with 'an air of chagrin' reads much better, with only minimal adjustment. Again, this is just a strange blip in otherwise good prose; the rest of the passage flows well, but this arrangement of words makes my eyes sort of trip up. To put it bluntly, it's kind of clumsy.

Just as the last pokemon disappeared with a flick of its tail, a loud explosion filled the entire area,and not for the first time Shaun was in a dust filled room and a skulking beast.
The way this is phrased, it means that Shaun's in the beast as well as the room; changing the 'and' to 'with' would solve that. Also, I kind of doubt that Rhyhorn is skulking - in fact, I'm not sure its species is even capable of doing that. I think you probably meant 'hulking', which makes more sense in this context.

hitting the beast on the side with its own monstrous force
The first time Riolu does this, it's quite confusing, and it's not really made clear exactly how it uses Rhyhorn's momentum against it. I understand it better the second time around, when it swings around the horn, but the first time could use some clarification.

tongue lagging out like a spoiled Growlithe and looking as happy as a well fed Eevee
I think Sableye's tongue was 'lolling'. 'Lagging' means it was trailing behind, that it wasn't keeping up. Also, it really ought to be 'lolling out like that of a spoiled Growlithe', since the Growlithe itself isn't the thing that's lolling out.

Its tongue was flayed out on the mud
'Flayed' means 'skinned by the lashing of whips'. I think you meant 'splayed', but that would sound weird since it usually refers to spreading out in all directions, and tongues can't do that. Perhaps a different word is in order.

It struck me about here that Shaun has three Pokémon already, which seems a remarkably fast rate of acquisition to me. Wouldn't it be more advisable for him to slow down? Having read ahead, I see there's the possibility that the Rhyhorn might be taken away from him, which would solve this issue, but it's something to think about. Of course, Shaun didn't have much choice but to catch these Pokémon, but one of the great driving forces in OT fics (which this kind of is, in the loosest sense) is the anticipation of the catching of new Pokémon. Though that's only half the focus of the story, the other being Shaun's battle with society, I think the narrative would still lose some of its impetus if he keeps catching them this fast and ends up with a full team within the next ten chapters.

Had that young man shot his own pokemon, or had it really been protecting him by some redneck idiot? Had that little girl evolved her pokemon too soon to make it prettier, or had the young baby pokemon come too close to an evolution stone in curiosity?
This would be a lot more effective if you had the excuse first and the suspicion afterwards, in my opinion - though you might disagree. I can't tell if I'm right or if it's just preference.

We took the honor of washing those things you call clothes.
The expression might be different where you live, but I'm used to seeing this sort of thing written as 'we took the liberty of doing X'. I'm not sure if that's a regional thing or an actual error, but I'm pointing it out anyway, because that's the sort of guy I am.

It was a bank statement showing the recent deposit by a Mr. Broderick…
This is so minor I can't believe I'm mentioning it, but I think this would more effective with a full stop rather than an ellipsis at the end.

He found it ironic that he hated growlithe's but didn't mind this beast.
The apostrophe here is not necessary - the Growlithe isn't possessing anything - and this also displays an inconsistency. You've already shown that you capitalise all Pokémon names - Riolu, Sableye, Rhyhorn, and Zubat, to name but a few - but here you capitalise neither Growlithe nor Mightyena, despite the fact that both of these were capitalised in the last couple of chapters. Generally, it's good practice to be consistent about things like that.

And... I think that's it. Once again, I have to congratulate you on producing something of this standard. I'm quite glad I missed four or five chapters in a row; reading them all in one go made for a very welcome Christmas present.

As ever, I'll be watching and eagerly awaiting more.


For information about A Grand Day Out, a bizarre short story in video game form, click here.
Reply With Quote