The Surprising Adventures of a Glaceon in Unova (T)
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December 26th, 2011 (10:06 AM).
Gone. May or may not return.
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: The Misspelled Cyrpt
Well, the point is actually highly debatable. There are various interpretations of that scene, yours and Octa's both being ones.
I'm not entirely convinced it's
debatable, given that Hamlet actually says this:
Now might I do it pat, now he is praying;
And now I'll do't. And so he goes to heaven;
And so am I revenged. That would be scann'd:
A villain kills my father; and for that,
I, his sole son, do this same villain send
O, this is hire and salary, not revenge.
which states outright that it would constitute mercenary assassination rather than revenge to kill Claudius at prayer. Anyway, that's not really a major point; I'm not here to get into a debate about it. I just happen to like books. On with my customary review!
Now, this chapter felt a little short in comparison to the others; I don't know if it was, but it felt like it. Perhaps it was the fact that events seemed to move on a little too quickly: they arrived in the Gym, then fought Lenora, then were in the pub, in rapid succession. It might be due, I guess, to the fact that Boreas wasn't directly involved in the main action, in which case there's not a lot that can or should really be done about it.
In part, it's probably also due to the fact that Black won against Lenora - again. I find that that's one of the biggest problems facing journey fics: often, their protagonists beat every bad guy and Gym Leader first time, and it becomes sort of predictable and tired. I get that Lucius was defeated, and Octa only just won himself - but I still feel that Black is verging on becoming rather dull. At the risk of ruining further chapters for myself, I'm going to ask if there's any point at which Black
win; if he never loses, he'll seem a lot less real and a lot more unlikeable. It's only just reached the point at which it's starting to make itself noticed, which means it isn't yet really bad; it's something to be aware of, and something that will probably need correction if Black and his Pokémon are to come across as full and realistic characters.
In addition, you did this a couple of times:
“That's quite the pokémon!” Lenora complimented Octa as she threw another pokéball, “But no matter how grim the situation, I'll use my scientific skills to find a winning strategy! Go, Dubois!”
when what you should have put was this:
“That's quite the pokémon!” Lenora complimented Octa as she threw another pokéball, “But no matter how grim the situation
I'll use my scientific skills to find a winning strategy! Go, Dubois!”
When you begin a new sentence within the quotation marks after the dialogue tag - that is to say, when it isn't a continuation of the speech before the tag - the dialogue tag needs to end with a full stop. You've made the same mistake here:
“Damn,” Black cursed, “That Herdier is strong! Octa, show off your newly evolved skills!”
This ought to be:
“Damn,” Black cursed
“That Herdier is strong! Octa, show off your newly evolved skills!”
That occurs a couple more times throughout the chapter; fix it and that's pretty much the last of the grammatical errors sorted.
Having said all that, the conversation in the pub
quite funny; congratulations there. I look forward to further chapters.
The Thinking Man's Guide to Destroying the World
The Rocket Case
The Rocket Revival
Neither Here Nor There
Coriolanus Rowland's Guide to Pokémon Husbandry
Robin Goodfellow's Christmas Carol
Stranger Than Fiction
My Trip to the End of Time, by Pearl Gideon
A Smell of Petroleum Pervades Throughout
For information about A Grand Day Out, a bizarre short story in video game form, click
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