View Single Post
  #3    
Old January 19th, 2012, 07:10 PM
DarkIceForever's Avatar
DarkIceForever
Booted out - don't be like me!
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: California
Gender: Female
Nature: Adamant
Well lets get started with my review, first I'll point out some of the simple mistakes you made. Then I'll explain more in detail at the bottom after I cover these.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gothitelle. View Post
This beach is famous for Is rather chilly temperatures.

Misspelled

"This beach is famous for its rather chilly temperatures."

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gothitelle. View Post
For her, being underwater was water wonderful,
Misspelled

"For her, being underwater was rather wonderful."

I think, right? But it could also be watery and wonderful. If that's what you're trying to get across.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gothitelle. View Post
What was worse that was he was spending time with Palkia, so when this girl crashed into him, she ruined his focus.

Remove “that”

"What was worse was he was spending time with Palkia, so when this girl crashed, she ruined his focus."

But at the same time this sentence doesn't sound smooth enough.

How about this...

"Worst of all, the crash ruined the moments they were sharing."

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gothitelle. View Post
Anyway, my name is Latias. Tell me your name and we won’t be ‘rangers anymore,”

That is a cute way of saying strangers! lol

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gothitelle. View Post
When she looked at him, she was shaking as if she was chilly and she was whimpering as if she was a puppy.

Too much she.

This sounds more simple and straight to the point.

"Latias stared back at the pokemon, whimpering like a puppy and trembling in fear."

Well, that is all I have to say about that.
So you re-wrote this? I’m not sure if you originally posted “Latias and her new friends” on PC, so I never read your original version. Just thought you should know. You've been inactive? I've only been on PC for about a month now. So I don't know when you last posted this.


You should really proof read your story over and over to make sure it's as perfect as can be. A great advice my english teacher told was read your papers as if you were going to turn it into a top college professor, to catch these simple mistakes.
I mean you only want to give out your absolute best work for your audience to read and enjoy.


The sad truth that I've found, when it comes to fan fiction simple mistakes make a reader want to bug out. As they sometimes might jump the gun and tell themselves the whole story is flawed. That didn't stop me from reading. I just read and saw a few mistakes, no big deal to me. Although some other readers aren't as tolerant, just thought you should know if you already didn't. Also I have seen some people complain about the color of the font on other fan fictions, It wasn't a problem for me though but some other people might bring it up later.


Im not too sure what the plot is. At first I thought they were going to help Latias get home. But all of a sudden Latios finds Latias. Pretty sure Latios is Latias brother. Although I might be jumping to conclusions, lol. Guess I'll just have to keep reading to find out.


My main thing, I always like seeing romance in Pokemon fan fiction. This fan fiction revolves entirely between Pokemon. I am not a big fan of pokemon being the main characters, I kinda like that human perspective with pokemon more. I was skeptic at first, but as I read I really warmed up to the idea and I think your changing my opinion. I liked the interactions between Palkia and Dialgia and the Latias feels really cute and naive.


Well guess that concludes my review, hope it was helpful. I'll look out for this story! See ya
Reply With Quote