Thread: [Pokémon] The Nova Travels
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Old February 1st, 2012 (08:15 PM).
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psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Welcome to PC's FF&W!

Okay, random formality aside, let's get on with the review. I had a few problems with the concepts of your story. For example, when Leaf had used Toxic to clear students I thought that was just a bit too overboard. I mean what's wrong with Christy just shoving her way through? Also, I don't know if you mentioned Leaf's age or not, but Leaf knowing Toxic alone is a bit odd. Toxic is a TM move remember, and the point is Leaf wouldn't learn it naturally. Even more so that it wouldn't be taught it from a girl still in school. And if some Snivy spit poison on my shoes, I'd be pissed and I think I'd try punting it across the auditorium.

Quote originally posted by treecko's awesomeness:
Why is he ignoring me? She thought to herself, feeling frustrated. “What are you reading about?”
I bolded the "She" because you don't need to capitalize it. It should just be lowercased. The thought kind of acts like dialogue so if the action she performed was the "dialogue" in this case, you don't need to start a new sentence for it.

Quote originally posted by treecko's awesomeness:
I don’t get why she has to bother me. How stupid do you have to be not to realize some one’s reading?
Someone's is perfectly fine to use rather than "some one's".

Quote originally posted by treecko's awesomeness:
It was the last day of trainer’s school, and Jake wanted to get some reading in before he left on his journey. Free period was over soon, and the graduation ceremony would start. If this dumb kid didn’t leave him alone, he would never finish his book.
This passage didn't make sense. I get Jake wanted to read or something, but you said some reading and you later say finish the book, despite that he has a lot of time on his journey to read.

Quote originally posted by treecko's awesomeness:
As they moved onto the stage and found their places on the bleachers, they each released their pokémon from their pokéballs. Everyone had only their first pokémon with them, as owning more than one was illegal without a trainer’s license. Christy let out her snivy, Leaf, and it sat down next to her.
For the first bolded part, you don't really need it. When they release their Pokemon, it's pretty much assumed they're coming from Poke balls. As for the second part, "Leaf" is the appositive but you're signifying the name of the "snivy". You use commas when the appositive is a common noun, like snivy. There are a lot of snivies, but not so many named Leaf. So just take the commas away from Leaf. You do this again with Jake's Treecko.

Quote originally posted by treecko's awesomeness:
“And it is now time for our graduates to receive their trainer’s licenses. First, we have Christy Aben and Leaf.
You forgot quotation marks at the end of this sentence.

Quote originally posted by treecko's awesomeness:
Jake watched, smirking to himself as the stupid girl from before stumbled up towards the stage with her not nearly as clumsy snivy. His treecko, Tails, smirked as well, but for a different reason. “That snivy’s way to stuck up, huh Jake?”
The "from before" is a bit repetitive. I mean the readers would know she bugged Jake before so we don't need yet another reminder. And as for the "to", it should be changed to "too".

Quote originally posted by treecko's awesomeness:
“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OWOWOWOWOWOWOW! IT HURTS! MAKE IT STOP!”
I kind of thought this part was a bit spammy (not a word, I know). And the caps kind of took away from me actually reading it. When I first read through it, I just skipped through this part because it was annoying to my eyes.

Quote originally posted by treecko's awesomeness:
Since the students were only thirteen and fourteen, they had to travel the country in pairs.
In the Pokemon canon, trainers start out as early as ten. I mean that's for both the anime and the games. It doesn't really make sense that they have to travel in pairs, despite the fact that they could have been fully capable alone. I mean Pokemon count as companions too. You could go with your canon though, I just thought I'd mention.

Quote originally posted by treecko's awesomeness:
The teachers were giving the students instructions to form a single file line and come forward to receive their groupings.
Personally, I would have re-worded this differently. Just like this:

Quote:
The teachers ordered the students to line up so that they could receive their pairings.
This takes away the helping verb from before, and makes it in a more active voice.

Quote originally posted by treecko's awesomeness:
Needless to say, this was not the professor's best day ever.
I would take out the "ever". Taking it out would sound better and help the paragraph flow.

Quote originally posted by treecko's awesomeness:
They finally reached the table with the list at the same time as Jake and tails, who was now healed and back out of his pokéball.
"Tails" should be capitalized because it's a name. I'm guessing it was a typo. After the comma (the one after Tails anyway), the clause sounded awkward. Actually, you don't even need it in my opinion. Just saying Tails is up and about kind of implies he was healed, or the electrocuting didn't knock him out or anything (he is a Grass-type).

Another thing, the buildup for finding out the partners was very very predictable. Actually, the first paragraph was practically screaming Christy and Jake were going to travel together. I mean the narrative only focused on them and how much they liked to hate each other. If you wanted it to be predictable, then I guess you did too much of a good job.

Other than that, there's not much else I can really say. Just be sure to proofread your story and watch for any kind of typos and check your sentences to make sure they flow. Also, I swore I read somewhere that this was supposed to be a comedy or something but try not to go overboard. In a comedy, not everything has to be funny.

I hope you continue updating and I'll be sure to check out any further installments (because I'm too lazy to go on Serebii).
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