Thread: Grant
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Old February 4th, 2012 (04:52 PM).
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psyanic psyanic is offline
There's Something About Lamps
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 19
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Posts: 1,283
I think this is your first post here... so welcome to FF&W!

I'd advise that you space out your story a bit more. It's a giant block of text and that's hard for us readers to read (that was repetitive). Formatting is a bit thing. Specifically, you want to skip a line for every paragraph. Now as for specific part...

Quote originally posted by AtavanHalen343:
“I’m so sick of your attitude! What has gotten into you? Why have you been acting so-”
I need a space here
“Mom, please shut up. I need to think and calm down.” Grant said quietly, cutting her off.
For dialogue, you need to start on a new line when there is a new speaker. It's to avoid any confusion, plus it's neater.

Quote originally posted by AtavanHalen343:
He had difficulty deciding which he would rather have. He spent the majority of his time weighing the pros and cons of each side of his thoughts, but he still couldn’t decide which would be better.
You don't need the bolded part. I mean we already know he's thinking, so saying he's thinking in is mind is repetitive.

Quote originally posted by AtavanHalen343:
Grant has always been a Christian, but his own intelligence and thought process have caused him to question his concrete conviction in the existence of God.
It wouldn't really be a concrete conviction if he was questioning it. I'd word it to say "he questioned the existence of God."

Quote originally posted by AtavanHalen343:
The pain that the situation caused him was immense.
This part was also rather wordy. Just take the bolded part out.

Quote originally posted by AtavanHalen343:
He realized at that moment that he had started walking. He wasn’t sure where he was headed, but, at the moment, he didn’t care.
Again, repetitive. You don't really need to say it the second time because you already said it. It's implied that he's thinking "at the moment."

Quote originally posted by AtavanHalen343:
He picked himself back up and wiped off the blood that had begun streaming from his nostril.
Yeah, wordy again.

Quote originally posted by AtavanHalen343:
Looking down, he saw blood seeping from several scrapes up his shin and calf, off-white splinters poking out like wooden hairs from his newly acquired abrasion.
Looking and saw pretty much mean the same thing. It's, again, repetitive. That's like saying hot fire or wet water.

Quote originally posted by AtavanHalen343:
As he continued walking, it started drizzling, washing the crusted blood off of his face.
Okay I swear this is the last time I'll mention something about repetition, but we get that he's still walking.

Quote originally posted by AtavanHalen343:
He ran at a dead sprint down the sidewalk for a minute straight. He stopped and leaned against a tree, huffing and trying to replenish all of the oxygen he had burned in his muscles and his mind.
He was huffing and puffing and, you know, trying to catch his breath. When a sentence is too wordy it kills the flow of the paragraph.

Also, I thought the whole scene with his mom was weird. I didn't really fit his genius mind and he just left. I kind of thought he'd be the one to argue or something. It also happened very quickly. You could try pacing it differently, but I guess it's not that important to the story.

Quote originally posted by AtavanHalen343:
He had also met with his therapist, Peter Ray. Peter Ray was a fat and absolutely hilarious man that Grant had met at church camp years ago. Peter Ray had become one of Grant’s best friends in the few meetings they already had.
Yeah, you say Peter Ray a lot. A bit too much for my liking. Use a few pronouns. Mix it up.

I could see why you warned people about the narcissism, especially in the first few paragraphs where you kept saying "Grant is an intelligent boy." Though, you said it in different forms. You also said something along the lines of "thought processing" a lot as well, like Grant was more computer than a person.

The "attempted" suicide or thought of suicide had some kind of build up, but after that you jump to the conclusion, only mentioning subsequent events. Grant and his breakdown, in my opinion, should have been written. I think it would bring in more of Grant's personality into the story, seeing his emotions build up and down as he confesses. I mean it's a huge event and it's integral to the plot. Put it in since it's so important.

Your spelling and grammar is pretty good throughout, so I can't complain about that. But your words and your sentence structures could use some work. Mostly, it's that your sentences are too wordy and it takes away the flow of the story (I already said this... but whatever). A few times, it's stating the obvious.

Well it was a nice read, for me anyway. Just try working on the things I mentioned above and try proofreading a bit more. Good luck on any future works!
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