Thread: [Pokémon] Freedom Fighters
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Old February 4th, 2012, 09:04 PM
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Abandoning your other one, huh? Anyway, this one doesn't really seem like a one-shot. I'll warn you right now, when you just dive into a story, you could get into some twisted paths. Your story could seriously deviate from what you vaguely imagined it to be.

On the term of the story, you have giant spacing between paragraphs. And on the contrary, you have no spacing between your dialogue. It should just be one space between paragraphs, and yes dialogue counts as a paragraph. It looked kinda messy to be honest.

For your prologue, I noticed you used the word "just" a lot. It's not wrong to do that, but when you use it in some instances, it comes out a bit awkward and almost too wordy. For example:

Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkIceForever View Post
That just drives crazy, it drives me insane!
Kind of weird to use just here and then give another adjective. And crazy and insane are basically the same (go with it), so it's unnecessarily repetitive.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkIceForever View Post
I hate them, I hate Pokemon and everything about them.
The comma in this sentence should be a semi-colon. This is because the two clauses are independent and this would classify as a comma splice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkIceForever View Post
Twenty years ago, a organization of bandits, thieves, narcissist, whatever you wish to call them took control over our world with these demonic creatures.
The bolded text should be changed to "narcissists" because of the other nouns in the list are plural, so it should follow the trend.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkIceForever View Post
Only time could tell were this will lead. So for now 'll just keep sitting here, pondering.
The first bolded should be "will" because time hasn't told us what happened as of yet. Could means having the ability to tell. The second bolded is "where" because that word signifies the question of a location. As for the last one, I think you just missed the "I" in "I'll".

The prologue was interesting. It gave the motive of whoever the narrator in that sequence is. And it gives a short description about Freedom Fighters. Though I'm kind of curious as to why people hate Pokemon so much. In their world, Pokemon are basically animals. So in our world, they'd be the equivalents of animal haters. Or, PETA's rivals.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkIceForever View Post
He collapsed in front of a standing brick building and found a young blonde woman laying in a pool of blood on the building steps. On his knees, in front of the corpse he tearfully held on to her arm.
You could take out the standing. I kind of thought it was implied it was standing if he collapsed in front of it. For the second part, you should have said "He kneeled in front of the corpse". It takes out the wordiness.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkIceForever View Post
He was distraught to find his love dead. The future he dreamed now lay in a pool of blood, along with the only woman he would ever love. He never got the chance to reveal his affection for her.
His lover died. She's just lying on the ground. I mean, wouldn't you convey some more emotions? I don't know, maybe a couple tears, hysterical weeping, the works and all. Convey the emotions to the readers.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkIceForever View Post
“How touching,”said a mysterious raspy voice from behind him.
A space is needed after the ending quotation marks. Also, for "mysterious raspy" it needs a comma in the middle. Mysterious modifies "voice" and not raspy, so a comma would be needed to clarify that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkIceForever View Post
It growled at him with such a livid furiousity, ready to attack at any moments notice.
"Furiousity" is not a word. I think "ferociousness" or "ferocity" would be suitable substitutes. Also, it should be changed to "moment's" because voice is in possession of moment.

The cynical man has weird bits of dialogue in my opinion. He doesn't seem to be fully anything. At times, he seems very dark and a typical villan. At other times, he sounds childish or immature. Like for the parts when he doesn't know what the other man is talking about, he seems clueless and ignorant. Sure, it could have been he just couldn't hear well but his reactions amount to something. I think that man is part of Team Rocket, right?

I haven't heard of a concept like this. It's interesting and I'll check up on it for sure. Just remember to proofread your story and all!
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