Wings of War [Ages 16+]
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February 6th, 2012, 05:16 AM
Where's that sheep...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
An interesting if rather violent beginning. =p I think the opening paragraph summed it up well: I was kinda mused and interested by the characterisation of the Dustox and it happy about finding a light (or well, flame), and then it was promptly followed by destruction.
I do wonder about how Rayquaza being able to command others via telepathy seeing it is not a Psychic type by nature; Darkrai I can kinda see doing it but Rayquaza less so. Another question I have is why the two are so intent on capturing Genesect but I trust this will be covered later on in the story.
Description is pretty decent thus far, certainly. I would suggest watching how you start sentences though as that is a touch repetitive; for instance a lot early on started with 'The ___'. The first paragraph for instance had four out of seven sentences start with 'The' and the second five out of eight; more than half the sentences in other words. Try to mix it up a bit more as it can start to affect the pacing of the story and also sounds repetitive.
All was silent over the forest.
Over, or in? Both works I suppose but in seems to fit better.
Genesect unleashed the cannon, obliterating Hydreigon’s head and leaving a 6-foot deep crater in its place.
With numbers, write them out with letters if smaller than 100 (or 10 which seems to be a recent thing I've heard about from some kids in the states, but here six rather than 6 fits both).
Not a bad start all in all; certainly an interesting beginning with a lot of events going on; hopefully the plot will live up to expectations! Good luck with the rest of your fic.
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